Dear Tony,
I have some more insight on intrusive memories which I would like to share.
As I have said before, most intrusive memories are traumatic memories. But they are not the worst traumas in the world or even the worst traumas which have happened to me personally.
For me, intrusive memories are events or conversations which I cannot understand. I cannot fit the details of what happened into my comprehension or my belief system. Since I cannot make sense of the situation, I keep thinking about it. These memories become intrusive memories because I keep thinking about them. And I keep thinking about them because I cannot fit them into my worldview.
Often as my worldview expands and my understanding of human nature deepens, these memories begin to make more sense. I can see things in them that I could not pick up before. I may have made assumptions about the situation or the people I should not have made or avoided assumptions I should have made.
Gaining a better understanding of humanity and social situations as a whole is the most effective treatment. It is also probably the least satisfying. Gaining that overall perspective can take years.
In the shorter term, you probably need to address the memory directly. Try to look at it in hindsight. Go through it and try to pick up clues you might have missed. Did you misread the situation? Did the other people? Could there have been a legitimate misunderstanding? Was there anything you could reasonably have done differently? Was there anything you could have possibly have done differently?
You will probably need to go through the memories over and over again. These memories can be like wounds. They do not heal quickly no matter what you do. But if you keep working at them they should start to heal bit by bit.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Saturday, July 20, 2013
More on Therapists
Dear Tony,
I would like to expand a little more on the last point I made in the last letter.
Therapists are not supposed to grow angry at their clients, but it does happen. My advice - and this is just me - is, if it only happens occasionally and you still feel safe and comfortable there, don't worry about it. Therapy is a very emotionally charged environment, therapists often need to make quick decisions about how to respond, and people - both the therapist and the client - sometimes do not process their feelings appropriately. Also, I think that sometimes therapists can unintentionally appear to be angry when they are really not.
I would suggest that it is more important to ask yourself: Am I comfortable telling this therapist what is going on? Does the therapist listen to me and respect my judgment? Am I making progress in the areas I would like to? If the answer to both questions is yes, then I would probably recommend staying with that therapist.
On the other hand, there is no excuse for rage. If your therapist grows uncontrollably angry, or angry for an extended period of time, you should try to find a new therapist. If you are afraid of telling your therapist something because s/he will be angry or will take it the wrong way, then you are not receiving the help you need. And - to repeat what I said in the last letter - if your therapist grows enraged because you did something without first asking his/her permission, there are serious control issues. You need to find another therapist quickly.
I would like to expand a little more on the last point I made in the last letter.
Therapists are not supposed to grow angry at their clients, but it does happen. My advice - and this is just me - is, if it only happens occasionally and you still feel safe and comfortable there, don't worry about it. Therapy is a very emotionally charged environment, therapists often need to make quick decisions about how to respond, and people - both the therapist and the client - sometimes do not process their feelings appropriately. Also, I think that sometimes therapists can unintentionally appear to be angry when they are really not.
I would suggest that it is more important to ask yourself: Am I comfortable telling this therapist what is going on? Does the therapist listen to me and respect my judgment? Am I making progress in the areas I would like to? If the answer to both questions is yes, then I would probably recommend staying with that therapist.
On the other hand, there is no excuse for rage. If your therapist grows uncontrollably angry, or angry for an extended period of time, you should try to find a new therapist. If you are afraid of telling your therapist something because s/he will be angry or will take it the wrong way, then you are not receiving the help you need. And - to repeat what I said in the last letter - if your therapist grows enraged because you did something without first asking his/her permission, there are serious control issues. You need to find another therapist quickly.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Choosing a Therapist
Dear Tony,
As you know, I am a mental health researcher. One of the issues I sometimes research is what factors produce a good therapeutic relationship. Those factors are complicated and difficult to determine. But based on some of what I have observed and personally experienced, I wanted to give some advice about choosing a therapist.
I realize you might not always have a choice of therapist. Geographic and insurance (among other) factors may limit who you are able to see. But you might have a choice between a few people or be able to request a transfer. Everyone's situation is different, which means I cannot give general advice. You need to figure out yourself what your options are.
With that caveat, here are some suggestions about choosing a therapist:
The absolute primary factor is: You must be comfortable with that person. If you are not comfortable, you are not going to be open and honest, which means you are not going to be able to address the complexities of your own situation. You might be more comfortable with a certain gender or a certain age group. If so, try to request it or look for it. Do not try to be fair to the therapist. Health does not play fair. Your needs have to come first.
This ideally works both ways. The therapist might say s/he is not comfortable treating you. This is very painful to hear (I have had that happen). In the long run it is most likely for the best. But you can be left feeling like a mutant. There is not much advice I can give about that situation, except to be aware that it might happen.
I have a few warning signs that you need to find a new therapist:
1. If you cannot discuss something which you feel you need to discuss. Therapists do make mistakes, and they may cut off an important point during a session. But if you bring up this point several times over different sessions and are never able to talk about it, then you are not receiving the help you need.
2. If you disagree with your therapist and are not comfortable saying so. Or if you do tell the therapist you disagree and are repeatedly ignored.
2.a. On a similar note - if the therapist tells you things about yourself that appear wildly speculative or just wrong, and you are not able to disagree (or it is too much effort to do so).
3. Very important - if your therapist becomes enraged if you do something without his/her approval. Therapists are not supposed to become angry in session, but it does happen. But if they grow enraged if you do something without his/her permission, they are insisting on having control over your life. That is wrong - the goal of therapy should be to help you lead the life you want, not to be dependent on the therapist. The therapist should be a guide, not a caretaker.
That is all for now. I will add more suggestions as I think of them later.
As you know, I am a mental health researcher. One of the issues I sometimes research is what factors produce a good therapeutic relationship. Those factors are complicated and difficult to determine. But based on some of what I have observed and personally experienced, I wanted to give some advice about choosing a therapist.
I realize you might not always have a choice of therapist. Geographic and insurance (among other) factors may limit who you are able to see. But you might have a choice between a few people or be able to request a transfer. Everyone's situation is different, which means I cannot give general advice. You need to figure out yourself what your options are.
With that caveat, here are some suggestions about choosing a therapist:
The absolute primary factor is: You must be comfortable with that person. If you are not comfortable, you are not going to be open and honest, which means you are not going to be able to address the complexities of your own situation. You might be more comfortable with a certain gender or a certain age group. If so, try to request it or look for it. Do not try to be fair to the therapist. Health does not play fair. Your needs have to come first.
This ideally works both ways. The therapist might say s/he is not comfortable treating you. This is very painful to hear (I have had that happen). In the long run it is most likely for the best. But you can be left feeling like a mutant. There is not much advice I can give about that situation, except to be aware that it might happen.
I have a few warning signs that you need to find a new therapist:
1. If you cannot discuss something which you feel you need to discuss. Therapists do make mistakes, and they may cut off an important point during a session. But if you bring up this point several times over different sessions and are never able to talk about it, then you are not receiving the help you need.
2. If you disagree with your therapist and are not comfortable saying so. Or if you do tell the therapist you disagree and are repeatedly ignored.
2.a. On a similar note - if the therapist tells you things about yourself that appear wildly speculative or just wrong, and you are not able to disagree (or it is too much effort to do so).
3. Very important - if your therapist becomes enraged if you do something without his/her approval. Therapists are not supposed to become angry in session, but it does happen. But if they grow enraged if you do something without his/her permission, they are insisting on having control over your life. That is wrong - the goal of therapy should be to help you lead the life you want, not to be dependent on the therapist. The therapist should be a guide, not a caretaker.
That is all for now. I will add more suggestions as I think of them later.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Outside Resources
Dear Tony,
You probably have some clear, tangible needs which my blog cannot help with. Maybe you would like to connect with other people who are living with mental illness. There are clubhouses designed for people with mental illness to socialize and support each other. Maybe you would benefit from face-to-face support.
That support can be difficult to find. I would like to give some suggestions. Every region is different, and what works in one area might not work in another. This is especially true for readers outside the United States. But I hope some suggestions will help.
Often these centers are familiar with each other: If you can find one, you can find help from others. The difficulty is finding that first one.
Large mental health organizations such as the United States Psychiatric Rehabilitation Association (www.uspra.org), the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (www.dbsalliance.org) and the National Alliance on Mental Illness (www.nami.org) have chapters in each of the fifty U.S. states (and some locations outside the United States). If you check their websites you might find a branch near you. If not, I would suggest you e-mail a contact person from the nearest geographical area in your state for suggestions.
Many states have 2-1-1 organizations which try to connect people with resources they need. These sites vary widely by state - some states don't have them and others have extensive lifts of resources. I suggest you check your state government website to see if they have lists of resources. You might need to spend some time looking at different links, but I would strongly suggest it. If that does not work, try typing "211 + the name of your state" into a search engine.
That tactic can work for a lot of needs. If you are having difficulty, you might want to try simply typing "clubhouses + your city" or "mental health resources + your city" into a search engine. Make sure what you find is really geared towards your needs. But that can work.
Also, you might want to try looking on www.meetup.com. Meetup is a place where many different groups search for new members and advertise events. A lot of groups promote themselves there. Depending on your region, you might find groups dedicated to supporting people with mental illness.
Finally, you might want to searching www.craigslist.org. Craigslist is an all-purpose site. Make sure your search is on "Community" and then try typing in "mental health" "mental illness" "depression" "schizophrenia" etc.
Be aware it might take a while to locate these resources. Nothing works for everyone and every region. But hopefully it will be enough for you to start finding what you need. If you can, check out the site's individual pages and try to determine what you need. You often cannot tell in advance, but it is still a good idea to look first.
Good luck!
You probably have some clear, tangible needs which my blog cannot help with. Maybe you would like to connect with other people who are living with mental illness. There are clubhouses designed for people with mental illness to socialize and support each other. Maybe you would benefit from face-to-face support.
That support can be difficult to find. I would like to give some suggestions. Every region is different, and what works in one area might not work in another. This is especially true for readers outside the United States. But I hope some suggestions will help.
Often these centers are familiar with each other: If you can find one, you can find help from others. The difficulty is finding that first one.
Large mental health organizations such as the United States Psychiatric Rehabilitation Association (www.uspra.org), the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (www.dbsalliance.org) and the National Alliance on Mental Illness (www.nami.org) have chapters in each of the fifty U.S. states (and some locations outside the United States). If you check their websites you might find a branch near you. If not, I would suggest you e-mail a contact person from the nearest geographical area in your state for suggestions.
Many states have 2-1-1 organizations which try to connect people with resources they need. These sites vary widely by state - some states don't have them and others have extensive lifts of resources. I suggest you check your state government website to see if they have lists of resources. You might need to spend some time looking at different links, but I would strongly suggest it. If that does not work, try typing "211 + the name of your state" into a search engine.
That tactic can work for a lot of needs. If you are having difficulty, you might want to try simply typing "clubhouses + your city" or "mental health resources + your city" into a search engine. Make sure what you find is really geared towards your needs. But that can work.
Also, you might want to try looking on www.meetup.com. Meetup is a place where many different groups search for new members and advertise events. A lot of groups promote themselves there. Depending on your region, you might find groups dedicated to supporting people with mental illness.
Finally, you might want to searching www.craigslist.org. Craigslist is an all-purpose site. Make sure your search is on "Community" and then try typing in "mental health" "mental illness" "depression" "schizophrenia" etc.
Be aware it might take a while to locate these resources. Nothing works for everyone and every region. But hopefully it will be enough for you to start finding what you need. If you can, check out the site's individual pages and try to determine what you need. You often cannot tell in advance, but it is still a good idea to look first.
Good luck!
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Questions
Dear Readers,
Thank you very much for joining me here. I hope you have found the blog helpful and informative.
I would appreciate hearing your thoughts about the blog. Please e-mail me at arioseo@gmail.com and answer the following questions:
1. What is your favorite post thus far? What is your least favorite post? (This can apply to both Tony and Kayla's letters.)
2. Which topics would you like to see addressed?
Thank you again,
Ariose
Thank you very much for joining me here. I hope you have found the blog helpful and informative.
I would appreciate hearing your thoughts about the blog. Please e-mail me at arioseo@gmail.com and answer the following questions:
1. What is your favorite post thus far? What is your least favorite post? (This can apply to both Tony and Kayla's letters.)
2. Which topics would you like to see addressed?
Thank you again,
Ariose
Friday, June 14, 2013
Building
Dear Tony,
I want to remind you that you need to go one step at a time.
I have come a long way since I was hospitalized. But I needed to do it piece by piece. If I tried to go too far, I would crumble. Recovering from mental illness is about a million small steps. In my expeience, there are very few big steps.
I think of it as building a foundation. When you are building anything, literally or figuratively, you build one brick, one nail, one small piece bit by bit.
You can do impressive things, but you need to do them a little at a time.
I want to remind you that you need to go one step at a time.
I have come a long way since I was hospitalized. But I needed to do it piece by piece. If I tried to go too far, I would crumble. Recovering from mental illness is about a million small steps. In my expeience, there are very few big steps.
I think of it as building a foundation. When you are building anything, literally or figuratively, you build one brick, one nail, one small piece bit by bit.
You can do impressive things, but you need to do them a little at a time.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Starting
Dear Tony,
Starting anything is generally the most difficult part.
Once you have figured out what to do, start as soon as you feasibly can. If you are having nagging feelings that something is off than you need to pay attention to that. That is a legitimate reason to postpone starting. On the other hand, if you honestly believe this step is the next step, and you are just nervous, then you should start as soon as you can work yourself up to it. Postponing things usually does not help and can make the anxiety worse. Many times I have needed to start things just because the difficulty of taking that step was still better than continuing to live with my anxiety about it. I have learned to start things as soon as I can. Hopefully you can learn from my mistakes.
You need to decide what you need in place before you can start something. It might be a certain time or access to specific books or other materials of an infinite variety of other factors. No one else can tell you what you need - it is specific to you. It is not reasonable.
Even today, when I start a new skill - even reading a new book - I burn out very quickly the first time I try. I often can only do the exercise for about 10-15 minutes, and then I can't focus. My brain needs to rest and adapt to this new skill on its own. Once I grow used to it I can do it for longer periods of time.
Starting anything is generally the most difficult part.
Once you have figured out what to do, start as soon as you feasibly can. If you are having nagging feelings that something is off than you need to pay attention to that. That is a legitimate reason to postpone starting. On the other hand, if you honestly believe this step is the next step, and you are just nervous, then you should start as soon as you can work yourself up to it. Postponing things usually does not help and can make the anxiety worse. Many times I have needed to start things just because the difficulty of taking that step was still better than continuing to live with my anxiety about it. I have learned to start things as soon as I can. Hopefully you can learn from my mistakes.
You need to decide what you need in place before you can start something. It might be a certain time or access to specific books or other materials of an infinite variety of other factors. No one else can tell you what you need - it is specific to you. It is not reasonable.
Even today, when I start a new skill - even reading a new book - I burn out very quickly the first time I try. I often can only do the exercise for about 10-15 minutes, and then I can't focus. My brain needs to rest and adapt to this new skill on its own. Once I grow used to it I can do it for longer periods of time.
Friday, June 7, 2013
Steps Towards Healing from Trauma
Dear Tony,
Major interventions such as healing from past trauma come in parts. You need to work on it for a while, make some improvements, then leave it and go work on something else. Think of a medical condition which requires multiple surgeries to fix. You prepare yourself and go to one surgery, heal and recover from that, then try to live your life to the fullest capacity until you are ready for the next surgery. Each surgery is legitimate, and you grow better after each one. But you can't do it all at once.
I needed to be out of the hospital for a while before I started to work on my trauma. When you decide to try to heal from trauma, that is what you are working on. That is the one skill you are working to build at the time. That is the primary reason why I waited: I felt I was better off improving my immediate life for a while. But that is just me.
Start with what is bothering you now. There may indeed be root causes or traumas which caused other traumas, but you still need to start with the most obvious and pressing issues. (One of the reasons why you will probably need to revisit trauma multiple times - you will develop a better understanding of the root causes are you are trying to heal. This cannot happen quickly.) The memories you work on should be based on how much it bothers you now - not how much it bothered you at the time or how much it does or does not bother other people.
Do what you can do, not what you need. Work on the feelings you can handle, deal with them, and let them go. Often, if I start to work on it, I can cut part of the troublesome feelings out pretty quickly. I generally felt like I could take off about 20% of my negative feelings by focusing on them this way.
Then I had to put it aside and go back to more immediate interventions. While I was doing that I gained more understanding of the causes of these traumas and what the next steps were. But I still needed to revisit it multiple times after that.
Major interventions such as healing from past trauma come in parts. You need to work on it for a while, make some improvements, then leave it and go work on something else. Think of a medical condition which requires multiple surgeries to fix. You prepare yourself and go to one surgery, heal and recover from that, then try to live your life to the fullest capacity until you are ready for the next surgery. Each surgery is legitimate, and you grow better after each one. But you can't do it all at once.
I needed to be out of the hospital for a while before I started to work on my trauma. When you decide to try to heal from trauma, that is what you are working on. That is the one skill you are working to build at the time. That is the primary reason why I waited: I felt I was better off improving my immediate life for a while. But that is just me.
Start with what is bothering you now. There may indeed be root causes or traumas which caused other traumas, but you still need to start with the most obvious and pressing issues. (One of the reasons why you will probably need to revisit trauma multiple times - you will develop a better understanding of the root causes are you are trying to heal. This cannot happen quickly.) The memories you work on should be based on how much it bothers you now - not how much it bothered you at the time or how much it does or does not bother other people.
Do what you can do, not what you need. Work on the feelings you can handle, deal with them, and let them go. Often, if I start to work on it, I can cut part of the troublesome feelings out pretty quickly. I generally felt like I could take off about 20% of my negative feelings by focusing on them this way.
Then I had to put it aside and go back to more immediate interventions. While I was doing that I gained more understanding of the causes of these traumas and what the next steps were. But I still needed to revisit it multiple times after that.
Sunday, June 2, 2013
Sleep
Dear Tony,
As you have probably guessed, sleep is extremely important. Psychiatric problems can be intensified by sleeping difficulties; I think sleeping troubles might actually cause some mental health problems. All of my most serious mental crises either were preceded by or included substantial insomnia.
In order to stay healthy, I have learned to pay close attention to my sleeping and figure out when things are going badly astray. Everyone has nights when they do not sleep well, but trouble arises when you cannot sleep night after night.
If you are having trouble sleeping, try to relax. Being anxious about your sleeping can feed on itself and make the problem worse. You become worried about going through the next day without sleep and that worry keeps you awake. Tell yourself that you can do it, that you can make it through the next day even if you don't sleep well. You have functioned fine without enough sleep several times in the past. You can do it again if you need to.
For me, the main reason I cannot sleep is anxiety. Often it is a sign that there is a problem I am ignoring and need to address. Once I identify the problem I start to figure out precisely what I can do immediatley to address it and promise myself I will take those steps the next day. I tell myself that over and over again. Sometimes I need to address the problem immediately in the middle of the night. But most of the time it is enough to make a concrete plan about what you will do. For longer-term problems, try to think of something small you can do to address the situation. If you have honestly done everything you can that is helpful, tell yourself that over and over again. Other times I can't sleep because I am hungry and not aware of it. If so, just eat something. Try not to go overboard, but your need to sleep is more important than your diet.
Finally, if you start to have major problems sleeping, put these techniques into practice as much as you can and try to sleep as much as you can. As much as possible don't worry about when you sleep. Chances are you are run down or stressed and need the extra sleep. Just sleep whenever you can.
As you have probably guessed, sleep is extremely important. Psychiatric problems can be intensified by sleeping difficulties; I think sleeping troubles might actually cause some mental health problems. All of my most serious mental crises either were preceded by or included substantial insomnia.
In order to stay healthy, I have learned to pay close attention to my sleeping and figure out when things are going badly astray. Everyone has nights when they do not sleep well, but trouble arises when you cannot sleep night after night.
If you are having trouble sleeping, try to relax. Being anxious about your sleeping can feed on itself and make the problem worse. You become worried about going through the next day without sleep and that worry keeps you awake. Tell yourself that you can do it, that you can make it through the next day even if you don't sleep well. You have functioned fine without enough sleep several times in the past. You can do it again if you need to.
For me, the main reason I cannot sleep is anxiety. Often it is a sign that there is a problem I am ignoring and need to address. Once I identify the problem I start to figure out precisely what I can do immediatley to address it and promise myself I will take those steps the next day. I tell myself that over and over again. Sometimes I need to address the problem immediately in the middle of the night. But most of the time it is enough to make a concrete plan about what you will do. For longer-term problems, try to think of something small you can do to address the situation. If you have honestly done everything you can that is helpful, tell yourself that over and over again. Other times I can't sleep because I am hungry and not aware of it. If so, just eat something. Try not to go overboard, but your need to sleep is more important than your diet.
Finally, if you start to have major problems sleeping, put these techniques into practice as much as you can and try to sleep as much as you can. As much as possible don't worry about when you sleep. Chances are you are run down or stressed and need the extra sleep. Just sleep whenever you can.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Intrusive Memories
Dear Tony,
I would like to write about what I have learned about dealing with intrusive memories.
All of the following is just my experience. I can't speak for anyone else.
Intrusive memories are memories you cannot rid yourself of. They keep pressing against your skull and can become very upsetting. I knew that these memories were not worth being so upset over and that I should just forget about them. But we do not have the ability to control our thoughts and emotions as much as any of us would like. Try as I might, I could not rid myself of them.
Most of my intrusive memories are of things with did legitimately upset me. They were genuine injustices. But they were not the worst injustices in the world or even the worst injustices I had personally encountered. I understood that as well, but I still could not rid myself of them. I finally realized that these memories must have had some deeper meaning to me. They were not significant enough in their own right to be bothering me as much as they were.
I started looking back in my past at some situations which had deeply bothered me when I was younger but did not bother me nearly as much now. I tried to figure out what had changed and when they stopped bothering me.
Often those memories bothered me because at the time I couldn't understand them. I was young and naive and had considerable difficulties understanding the nuances of situations. I had been in trouble for behavior which I honestly did not understand was upsetting people. As I grew older, I was able to look back and better understand how my behavior appeared to people. Often those other people had done things wrong as well. Conversations and social situations are extremely complex, and frequently there are multiple small times when things went wrong (especially if there were more than two people involved). Once I was able to sort out precisely where I was wrong, where other people were wrong, and exactly what happened, I was able to gain some control.
When I had that basis of understanding, I was able to heal from the trauma. Healing still did not happen quickly. Think of a large physical wound. Even if that person receives the best medical treatment for that wound, it will still take a while to heal. Much of trauma is like that.
That approach worked for earlier intrusive memories. It helped me heal from more recent intrusive memories. But it was not enough on its own.
I eventually learned that my more recent intrusive memories reflect a skill I am still lacking such as effectively fighting back against being screwed or explaining I misunderstood earlier instructions. I did not have the social skills to succeed at the time, and I still lack those specific skills today. That is why I am still haunted by these memories. I am subconsciously bothered by the fact I still don't have these skills.
I am working to specifically develop them now, and the memories are starting to lose their intensity. Not quickly. But gradually they are not bothering me much more than other bad things that have happened.
I would like to write about what I have learned about dealing with intrusive memories.
All of the following is just my experience. I can't speak for anyone else.
Intrusive memories are memories you cannot rid yourself of. They keep pressing against your skull and can become very upsetting. I knew that these memories were not worth being so upset over and that I should just forget about them. But we do not have the ability to control our thoughts and emotions as much as any of us would like. Try as I might, I could not rid myself of them.
Most of my intrusive memories are of things with did legitimately upset me. They were genuine injustices. But they were not the worst injustices in the world or even the worst injustices I had personally encountered. I understood that as well, but I still could not rid myself of them. I finally realized that these memories must have had some deeper meaning to me. They were not significant enough in their own right to be bothering me as much as they were.
I started looking back in my past at some situations which had deeply bothered me when I was younger but did not bother me nearly as much now. I tried to figure out what had changed and when they stopped bothering me.
Often those memories bothered me because at the time I couldn't understand them. I was young and naive and had considerable difficulties understanding the nuances of situations. I had been in trouble for behavior which I honestly did not understand was upsetting people. As I grew older, I was able to look back and better understand how my behavior appeared to people. Often those other people had done things wrong as well. Conversations and social situations are extremely complex, and frequently there are multiple small times when things went wrong (especially if there were more than two people involved). Once I was able to sort out precisely where I was wrong, where other people were wrong, and exactly what happened, I was able to gain some control.
When I had that basis of understanding, I was able to heal from the trauma. Healing still did not happen quickly. Think of a large physical wound. Even if that person receives the best medical treatment for that wound, it will still take a while to heal. Much of trauma is like that.
That approach worked for earlier intrusive memories. It helped me heal from more recent intrusive memories. But it was not enough on its own.
I eventually learned that my more recent intrusive memories reflect a skill I am still lacking such as effectively fighting back against being screwed or explaining I misunderstood earlier instructions. I did not have the social skills to succeed at the time, and I still lack those specific skills today. That is why I am still haunted by these memories. I am subconsciously bothered by the fact I still don't have these skills.
I am working to specifically develop them now, and the memories are starting to lose their intensity. Not quickly. But gradually they are not bothering me much more than other bad things that have happened.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Reminder - Two Principles
Dear Tony,
I would like to remind you of the two basic principles which helped me improve. I have given you and Kayla specific suggestions based on what worked for me and what I have learned reading and talking to other people. But my advice for you is based around two central premises which I would like to review:
1. Do what you can do, not what you need. I guarantee you, you will be much better off in the long run doing whatever small, silly, trivial thing you can to improve your life right now than you would be waiting for the large things you really need and sitting and suffering while you wait. Do anything you can. For right now, don't worry about the direction you are going in. Just do anything. In order to move in the right direction, you need to first learn to move.
2. Don't wait. Don't wait for anything. Don't wait for the things you really need. Don't wait to understand your illness. Don't wait for the medications to work. Of course, you should talk to your counselor if you have any questions about your medicines or diagnosis. But don't wait to change things. The longer you wait, the longer you are going to be sitting and suffering.
I would like to remind you of the two basic principles which helped me improve. I have given you and Kayla specific suggestions based on what worked for me and what I have learned reading and talking to other people. But my advice for you is based around two central premises which I would like to review:
1. Do what you can do, not what you need. I guarantee you, you will be much better off in the long run doing whatever small, silly, trivial thing you can to improve your life right now than you would be waiting for the large things you really need and sitting and suffering while you wait. Do anything you can. For right now, don't worry about the direction you are going in. Just do anything. In order to move in the right direction, you need to first learn to move.
2. Don't wait. Don't wait for anything. Don't wait for the things you really need. Don't wait to understand your illness. Don't wait for the medications to work. Of course, you should talk to your counselor if you have any questions about your medicines or diagnosis. But don't wait to change things. The longer you wait, the longer you are going to be sitting and suffering.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Cleaning
Dear Tony,
I would like to write a little bit about cleaning. I don't mean looking back and re-evaluating things and finding ways to improve yourself. I mean simple, undramatic and unemotional housecleaning.
I know keeping your living space clean is difficult for many people with mental illness. You are well aware your place is a mess, and it is embarrassing to have people over. Sometimes you try to clean it up, but it does not last. More often you are well aware you need to clean, but it is very difficult to organize yourself to do so. I have been there plenty of times.
My advice on cleaning is basically the same advice I have given you again and again: Start with what you can do, not what you need.
For me, establishing a routine is key. Even now, I can usually clean either (1) by a rigid impersonal schedule that does not take into account special events or unusual occurances or (2) only on special events or unusual occurances. I eventually figured out that in cleaning it is better to do it on the rigid impersonal schedule.
Start with establishing a schedule for one cleaning chore. Ideally, it would be something which impacts your day-to-day life such as washing dishes or doing laundry. Figure out a certain time - either a day in the week or a time in your daily routine - when you can comfortably do this chore. Focus on doing it then. At first it will probably be difficult, but eventually it will simply become part of your schedule. If you miss the chance to do it on the set time don't worry about it. Simply resume your plan the next set time it comes. Chances are that is still better than doing it sporadically. Once you are used to doing that one chore on a set schedule, you can start to add other chores.
Once you have started improving your day-to-day life this way, the next priority is sanitation. Often keeping your space sanitary involves more difficult and more demanding chores (cleaning floors, cleaning bathrooms, etc.). Again, chose one chore - maybe the one that is easiest for you - and figure out a time in your routine when you can do that. Focus on doing one chore at a time. Keeping your living space halfway clean is better than not keeping it clean at all.
Cleaning effectively is a legitimate skill which takes some knowledge and considerable practice. If you honestly do not know how to do these chores, I can understand that it might be embarrassing to ask people. There are a number of books about how to clean effectively. There should be some available in the library. Even if you have done these chores in the past, it takes some time to grow used to them and to learn how to best do them in your specific space. It takes some practice before it becomes part of your routine. If you try to do too much at once you could grow overwhelmed and shut down.
One final note: This is just cleaning and keeping your space sanitary. Don't even try to make things organized and attractive. Worry about that later.
I would like to write a little bit about cleaning. I don't mean looking back and re-evaluating things and finding ways to improve yourself. I mean simple, undramatic and unemotional housecleaning.
I know keeping your living space clean is difficult for many people with mental illness. You are well aware your place is a mess, and it is embarrassing to have people over. Sometimes you try to clean it up, but it does not last. More often you are well aware you need to clean, but it is very difficult to organize yourself to do so. I have been there plenty of times.
My advice on cleaning is basically the same advice I have given you again and again: Start with what you can do, not what you need.
For me, establishing a routine is key. Even now, I can usually clean either (1) by a rigid impersonal schedule that does not take into account special events or unusual occurances or (2) only on special events or unusual occurances. I eventually figured out that in cleaning it is better to do it on the rigid impersonal schedule.
Start with establishing a schedule for one cleaning chore. Ideally, it would be something which impacts your day-to-day life such as washing dishes or doing laundry. Figure out a certain time - either a day in the week or a time in your daily routine - when you can comfortably do this chore. Focus on doing it then. At first it will probably be difficult, but eventually it will simply become part of your schedule. If you miss the chance to do it on the set time don't worry about it. Simply resume your plan the next set time it comes. Chances are that is still better than doing it sporadically. Once you are used to doing that one chore on a set schedule, you can start to add other chores.
Once you have started improving your day-to-day life this way, the next priority is sanitation. Often keeping your space sanitary involves more difficult and more demanding chores (cleaning floors, cleaning bathrooms, etc.). Again, chose one chore - maybe the one that is easiest for you - and figure out a time in your routine when you can do that. Focus on doing one chore at a time. Keeping your living space halfway clean is better than not keeping it clean at all.
Cleaning effectively is a legitimate skill which takes some knowledge and considerable practice. If you honestly do not know how to do these chores, I can understand that it might be embarrassing to ask people. There are a number of books about how to clean effectively. There should be some available in the library. Even if you have done these chores in the past, it takes some time to grow used to them and to learn how to best do them in your specific space. It takes some practice before it becomes part of your routine. If you try to do too much at once you could grow overwhelmed and shut down.
One final note: This is just cleaning and keeping your space sanitary. Don't even try to make things organized and attractive. Worry about that later.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Traumatic Memories
Dear Tony,
I would like to write a little about dealing with traumatic memories.
Some memories fade over time. Time heals most wounds. But some wounds become infected.
If the memories do not fade by themselves, the next step is to determine whether or not they are still connected to emotion - if having these memories triggers feelings. You need to base that on whether or not these memories are upsetting you now, not how much they upset you at the time or how much they do or do not upset other people. If the memories do not upset you now, just deal with them as best you can. Chances are they would be more work to control those memories than is worth it. Also, for now you are probably better off obsessing over those memories than obsessing over real traumas in you past. One caveat: If you are having flashbacks of trivial incidents for years which have not faded, then chances are they do mean something and you would need to explore what.
But to be honest, if you are having constantly recurring memories they probably are genuinely upsetting you now. You need to figure out a plan to deal with them.
For me the most effective method has been - if it is at all possible - going back and visiting the physical location of the trauma. Do not let anyone push you do so before you are ready - you will be retraumatized. You need to work your courage to go back to the place which can take months. I usually try to go back at least two or three separate times. I have always gone alone and taken the time to work my feelings out. But that has proven to be the best method for me.
I personally am still working on ways to process trauma when it is not feasible to return to the physical location. I have sometimes found that composing letters expressing some of my thoughts and feelings can help. Don't mail them. I usually don't even need to write it out, but I need to figure out precisely what to say. Sometimes coming up with some symbolic action can help as well.
I would like to write a little about dealing with traumatic memories.
Some memories fade over time. Time heals most wounds. But some wounds become infected.
If the memories do not fade by themselves, the next step is to determine whether or not they are still connected to emotion - if having these memories triggers feelings. You need to base that on whether or not these memories are upsetting you now, not how much they upset you at the time or how much they do or do not upset other people. If the memories do not upset you now, just deal with them as best you can. Chances are they would be more work to control those memories than is worth it. Also, for now you are probably better off obsessing over those memories than obsessing over real traumas in you past. One caveat: If you are having flashbacks of trivial incidents for years which have not faded, then chances are they do mean something and you would need to explore what.
But to be honest, if you are having constantly recurring memories they probably are genuinely upsetting you now. You need to figure out a plan to deal with them.
For me the most effective method has been - if it is at all possible - going back and visiting the physical location of the trauma. Do not let anyone push you do so before you are ready - you will be retraumatized. You need to work your courage to go back to the place which can take months. I usually try to go back at least two or three separate times. I have always gone alone and taken the time to work my feelings out. But that has proven to be the best method for me.
I personally am still working on ways to process trauma when it is not feasible to return to the physical location. I have sometimes found that composing letters expressing some of my thoughts and feelings can help. Don't mail them. I usually don't even need to write it out, but I need to figure out precisely what to say. Sometimes coming up with some symbolic action can help as well.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Steps
Dear Tony,
I want to remind you that you need to go one step at a time.
I have come a long way since I was hospitalized. But I needed to do it piece by piece. If I tried to go too far, I would crumble. Recovering from mental illness is about a million small steps. In my experience, there are very few big steps.
I think of it as building a foundation. When you are building anything, literally or figuratively, you build one brick, one nail, one small piece bit by bit.
You can do impressive things, but you need to do them a little at a time.
I want to remind you that you need to go one step at a time.
I have come a long way since I was hospitalized. But I needed to do it piece by piece. If I tried to go too far, I would crumble. Recovering from mental illness is about a million small steps. In my experience, there are very few big steps.
I think of it as building a foundation. When you are building anything, literally or figuratively, you build one brick, one nail, one small piece bit by bit.
You can do impressive things, but you need to do them a little at a time.
Monday, May 6, 2013
More on Changing Yourself
Dear Tony,
The leader of my Toastmaster’s group characterizes the club as “a comfortable place to try uncomfortable things.”
That idea of establishing a comfortable place is critically important. And often overlooked.
When you are doing something uncomfortable (which, when you are starting out, probably means any new step), you need to make the rest of your life as comfortable as you can. That means anything you can reasonably control — physical space, time of day, food, noise, etc. Trying a new step is difficult enough. Trying a new step on top of dealing with normal annoyances is usually overwhelming.
For me, it helps to choose the exact time and place and plan the details in advance. If something goes awry, I will reschedule. But I plan exactly what I am going to do before, during, and after the step.
When I am starting, I can’t compensate for any variation whatsoever. If things don’t go as planned, I usually need to wait. When I am just starting out, I completely lack flexibility. When I have done the step a few times and are more used to it, then I can begin to tolerate some variations or surprises. But when I am starting it needs to go exactly as planned.
After I finish that first step I am usually exhausted. No matter how small the step is. I need to relax and do something to reward myself. I need to recognize that these changes are difficult and I need to make other accommodations in my life.
Change is not easy. But it is possible.
The leader of my Toastmaster’s group characterizes the club as “a comfortable place to try uncomfortable things.”
That idea of establishing a comfortable place is critically important. And often overlooked.
When you are doing something uncomfortable (which, when you are starting out, probably means any new step), you need to make the rest of your life as comfortable as you can. That means anything you can reasonably control — physical space, time of day, food, noise, etc. Trying a new step is difficult enough. Trying a new step on top of dealing with normal annoyances is usually overwhelming.
For me, it helps to choose the exact time and place and plan the details in advance. If something goes awry, I will reschedule. But I plan exactly what I am going to do before, during, and after the step.
When I am starting, I can’t compensate for any variation whatsoever. If things don’t go as planned, I usually need to wait. When I am just starting out, I completely lack flexibility. When I have done the step a few times and are more used to it, then I can begin to tolerate some variations or surprises. But when I am starting it needs to go exactly as planned.
After I finish that first step I am usually exhausted. No matter how small the step is. I need to relax and do something to reward myself. I need to recognize that these changes are difficult and I need to make other accommodations in my life.
Change is not easy. But it is possible.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
More on Dealing with Pain
Dear Tony,
I want to expand on what I wrote in the last post about having feelings.
The first feeling you have is pain. That is to be expected. I have really genuinely had some very bad things happen to me, and I would bet you have, too. Of course you feel pain. It would not be healthy to suffer and not feel pain. As I said, pain can sometimes be a good thing. It means that you are still able to have feelings. Some of the sickest people just go numb.
Once you start having feelings they come in out of control. They can come flooding back. There could be a minor feeling about a minor upset that just refuses to leave. They become mixed with each other. For a long time, I would focus and emphasize with small issues while ignoring larger ones. No one has been able to adequately explain feelings. Every conscious human being sometimes wishes s/he had the capacity to turn his/her feelings on and off the way we turn a television on and off. We don’t.
When my feelings started flooding me, I had to sort it out. This took just about every spare minute I had (and then some). I had to consider, dwell on, and analyze every feeling which I had. This was not because I really believed every feeling I had deserved such contemplation and expression. I simply lacked any sort of triage system.
I was eventually able to understand and start to triage most of my feelings. I know I could not have done it without all the contemplation. There are no shortcuts to that I can suggest. Just lots and lots of practice of recognizing your feelings and (as much as possible) figuring out the root causes. It was definitely worth it, and it was definitely necessary to my recovery. But it was admittedly extremely laborious.
I want to expand on what I wrote in the last post about having feelings.
The first feeling you have is pain. That is to be expected. I have really genuinely had some very bad things happen to me, and I would bet you have, too. Of course you feel pain. It would not be healthy to suffer and not feel pain. As I said, pain can sometimes be a good thing. It means that you are still able to have feelings. Some of the sickest people just go numb.
Once you start having feelings they come in out of control. They can come flooding back. There could be a minor feeling about a minor upset that just refuses to leave. They become mixed with each other. For a long time, I would focus and emphasize with small issues while ignoring larger ones. No one has been able to adequately explain feelings. Every conscious human being sometimes wishes s/he had the capacity to turn his/her feelings on and off the way we turn a television on and off. We don’t.
When my feelings started flooding me, I had to sort it out. This took just about every spare minute I had (and then some). I had to consider, dwell on, and analyze every feeling which I had. This was not because I really believed every feeling I had deserved such contemplation and expression. I simply lacked any sort of triage system.
I was eventually able to understand and start to triage most of my feelings. I know I could not have done it without all the contemplation. There are no shortcuts to that I can suggest. Just lots and lots of practice of recognizing your feelings and (as much as possible) figuring out the root causes. It was definitely worth it, and it was definitely necessary to my recovery. But it was admittedly extremely laborious.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Some Understanding of Pain
Dear Tony,
A while ago I was reading a book about a burn unit. One point the book made was that in first- and second-degree (mild to moderate) burns, the person is often in excruciating pain. As difficult as it is to endure, that pain is actually a good thing: It means the nerves are intact. On severe, third- and fourth-degree burns, often the nerves are destroyed and the person cannot feel pain.
In my experience that analogy often holds true for mental illness. When we are dealing with really severe pain our sensors become dull or shut off and we can’t really feel it. As we gradually become better, we start to feel more. And our reward for becoming more healthy is that we are hit with these feelings to which we had previously been numb. As we become more able to feel and process pain, we feel and process more pain.
I have had some horrible things happen to me. I would imagine that you have, too. Pain is a healthy and natural response. Not feeling pain after a deeply traumatic episode would be unhealthy. I am learning to process through them piece by piece and step by step. But I don’t really want the pain to go away. I just want to learn how to process it better.
Being in pain can be a good sign. Growing better can often mean feeling worse. That is difficult to take at first, but you need to learn to work through these feelings a little at a time. There are ways to process pain, but it takes work.
A while ago I was reading a book about a burn unit. One point the book made was that in first- and second-degree (mild to moderate) burns, the person is often in excruciating pain. As difficult as it is to endure, that pain is actually a good thing: It means the nerves are intact. On severe, third- and fourth-degree burns, often the nerves are destroyed and the person cannot feel pain.
In my experience that analogy often holds true for mental illness. When we are dealing with really severe pain our sensors become dull or shut off and we can’t really feel it. As we gradually become better, we start to feel more. And our reward for becoming more healthy is that we are hit with these feelings to which we had previously been numb. As we become more able to feel and process pain, we feel and process more pain.
I have had some horrible things happen to me. I would imagine that you have, too. Pain is a healthy and natural response. Not feeling pain after a deeply traumatic episode would be unhealthy. I am learning to process through them piece by piece and step by step. But I don’t really want the pain to go away. I just want to learn how to process it better.
Being in pain can be a good sign. Growing better can often mean feeling worse. That is difficult to take at first, but you need to learn to work through these feelings a little at a time. There are ways to process pain, but it takes work.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Improving Your Skills
Dear Tony,
Do the best you can. I tell myself that over and over again. Just do the best you can with what you have.
When I was sicker, I was extremely dependent on my moods. When I was in a good mood, I could do a lot and start a lot and make progress moving forward. When I was in a bad mood, I could not compensate. I would try and try and try, but I could not make my mind work the way I wanted it to.
It took a very long time to fix that problem. It took considerable skill-building when I was in a good mood. Slowly and gradually I was able to do more even when I was upset. Frankly, I still have some problems with that. When I am upset I need to rest and compensate. I can still accomplish some things, but not nearly as much as when I am feeling better.
Being in a good mood has some pitfalls, too. When I am feeling well, I want to try to make up for missed time and accomplish everything at once. I may try to start everything at once and then become upset when I can’t follow up with it. I have learned to step back and choose the most important things to accomplish, and then stick with them. I may not finish everything, but generally the more I can do the better off I am.
More often, I start to work and make progress and then become annoyed when I cannot comprehend everything. The world is a complex place, relationships are very complicated, and no one person cannot possibly understand everything. That is difficult for me to swallow. I want to know everything, and I grow upset when I realize how much knowledge I am missing. Just do what you can. I read once a long time ago to just try to be 1% better every time you try. That can help. We all need to learn that again and again. You don't need to make large steps - only to continually keep making small steps. Look closely at the details of a situation and figure out something you can do - anything. It does not have to be big (it probably shouldn’t be big at first). But look at the details and find some way to make your life or your work or your relationships better.
Do the best you can. I tell myself that over and over again. Just do the best you can with what you have.
When I was sicker, I was extremely dependent on my moods. When I was in a good mood, I could do a lot and start a lot and make progress moving forward. When I was in a bad mood, I could not compensate. I would try and try and try, but I could not make my mind work the way I wanted it to.
It took a very long time to fix that problem. It took considerable skill-building when I was in a good mood. Slowly and gradually I was able to do more even when I was upset. Frankly, I still have some problems with that. When I am upset I need to rest and compensate. I can still accomplish some things, but not nearly as much as when I am feeling better.
Being in a good mood has some pitfalls, too. When I am feeling well, I want to try to make up for missed time and accomplish everything at once. I may try to start everything at once and then become upset when I can’t follow up with it. I have learned to step back and choose the most important things to accomplish, and then stick with them. I may not finish everything, but generally the more I can do the better off I am.
More often, I start to work and make progress and then become annoyed when I cannot comprehend everything. The world is a complex place, relationships are very complicated, and no one person cannot possibly understand everything. That is difficult for me to swallow. I want to know everything, and I grow upset when I realize how much knowledge I am missing. Just do what you can. I read once a long time ago to just try to be 1% better every time you try. That can help. We all need to learn that again and again. You don't need to make large steps - only to continually keep making small steps. Look closely at the details of a situation and figure out something you can do - anything. It does not have to be big (it probably shouldn’t be big at first). But look at the details and find some way to make your life or your work or your relationships better.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Nuances of Communication
Dear Tony,
I would like to write more about learning how to communicate.
As I said, I needed to go rigidly one step at a time. The first step was just learning how to communicate ideas and make my thoughts known. The second step was starting to figure out the etiquitte of communication: tone of voice, volume of voice and eye contact. Once I had the basics of communication, the second step was not too difficult.
The third step was challenging, though. I needed to learn to put people at ease and make polite conversation (as opposed to just saying directly what was happening to me and what I wanted to know). I could feel myself starting to pick up some nuances of conversation and cues from the other person. However, I still had difficulty responding to them.
One of the first challenges was figuring out appropriate topics for conversation. Most counselors will be willing to provide lists of safe and unsafe topics of conversation. I personally have found those lists to be less than helpful. They might be a good guide for some people, but often topics are far more nuanced than could be said on a simple list.
For example, take the rule which is probably the most well-known and enforced rule of polite conversation in the United States, where I live. Religion is an unsafe topic for polite conversation. That is a well-acknowledged fact. It would be on almost every such list. But would it be okay to share a silly story about a Nativity play run amok with non-Christians? Would it be okay to mention to devout Christians that historical evidence indicates that Jesus was not born either on year 0 or December 25? Would it be okay to ask devout Jews how many cases of Tay Sachs disease they have personally seen? Would it be okay to discuss with anyone how pigs have very few uses other than meat, yet two major religions presumably working separately (Judaism and Islam) have completely condemned pig meat? I would say it depends more on the context and the person you are talking to. Religion can indeed be a dangerous topic, but so is giving a blanket condemnation of any topic.
Another challenge, at least for me is that safe and unsafe topics vary not only by culture but also from person to person. For me, they were essentially reversed. Topics that most other women like to talk about — diets, clothes, television shows — feel deeply personal and intimate to me. Maybe they were pushed too much by well-meaning previous therapists. I’m not sure. But for a long time it was virtually impossible to have a comfortable conversation about any of those topics.
Explaining that to people can be challenging. I will admit did not do that very well. Looking at my own experience, I would suggest you just tell them politely but firmly and repeatedly that those topics are uncomfortable for you. As long as the information is not critical, you have a right to insist people stick to topics with which you are comfortable, and so do they. Finding common ground can be challenging, but it is essential. I think for a long time I stuck with politics and current events. That topic can be dangerous, too, but as I mentioned before almost anything can.
I would like to write more about learning how to communicate.
As I said, I needed to go rigidly one step at a time. The first step was just learning how to communicate ideas and make my thoughts known. The second step was starting to figure out the etiquitte of communication: tone of voice, volume of voice and eye contact. Once I had the basics of communication, the second step was not too difficult.
The third step was challenging, though. I needed to learn to put people at ease and make polite conversation (as opposed to just saying directly what was happening to me and what I wanted to know). I could feel myself starting to pick up some nuances of conversation and cues from the other person. However, I still had difficulty responding to them.
One of the first challenges was figuring out appropriate topics for conversation. Most counselors will be willing to provide lists of safe and unsafe topics of conversation. I personally have found those lists to be less than helpful. They might be a good guide for some people, but often topics are far more nuanced than could be said on a simple list.
For example, take the rule which is probably the most well-known and enforced rule of polite conversation in the United States, where I live. Religion is an unsafe topic for polite conversation. That is a well-acknowledged fact. It would be on almost every such list. But would it be okay to share a silly story about a Nativity play run amok with non-Christians? Would it be okay to mention to devout Christians that historical evidence indicates that Jesus was not born either on year 0 or December 25? Would it be okay to ask devout Jews how many cases of Tay Sachs disease they have personally seen? Would it be okay to discuss with anyone how pigs have very few uses other than meat, yet two major religions presumably working separately (Judaism and Islam) have completely condemned pig meat? I would say it depends more on the context and the person you are talking to. Religion can indeed be a dangerous topic, but so is giving a blanket condemnation of any topic.
Another challenge, at least for me is that safe and unsafe topics vary not only by culture but also from person to person. For me, they were essentially reversed. Topics that most other women like to talk about — diets, clothes, television shows — feel deeply personal and intimate to me. Maybe they were pushed too much by well-meaning previous therapists. I’m not sure. But for a long time it was virtually impossible to have a comfortable conversation about any of those topics.
Explaining that to people can be challenging. I will admit did not do that very well. Looking at my own experience, I would suggest you just tell them politely but firmly and repeatedly that those topics are uncomfortable for you. As long as the information is not critical, you have a right to insist people stick to topics with which you are comfortable, and so do they. Finding common ground can be challenging, but it is essential. I think for a long time I stuck with politics and current events. That topic can be dangerous, too, but as I mentioned before almost anything can.
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Learning to Comprehend
Dear Tony,
Some interventions I found almost instinctively.
Another stereotypical young-child activity which helped me is to watch the same television show again and again and ask for the same bedtime story again and again. I started doing that without realizing it, and eventually was focusing on it. I can feel the changes in my own brain. It has to do with moving beyond understanding information told to me directly to picking up cues and subtle hints from the broader culture. I have always had difficulty with that. You need some sort of template in place to do that, and I was lacking one.
I worked with the first season of ER, something which I had rarely watched when it was originally aired. I focused on television strictly for practical reasons: It is much faster to watch the same forty-five minute television show again and again than it is to read the same two hundred page novel again and again. I watched one specific episode over and over again, and eventually was able to figure out what was happening and how people’s words and actions led to different outcomes. Some lines were intended for that specific episode's plot, some were intended for character development, some were not important at the time but hugely important in future episodes, and some were intended just for humor. While I fully understood that in theory I had tremendous difficulty putting each individual line in its specific category. After watching several episodes repeatedly I was slowly able to classify each utterance bit by bit.
It helped me learn to sort out what I do and do not need to pay attention to. I gradually learned to identify what was important and how one specific incident led to another. All of these were things I was not able to do before. If asked, I could explain the meaning of one specific scene, but I could not figure out how that scene connected to those before and after it. I gradually grew able to understand how different interactions worked together.
Although I did not know it at the time, ER was a really good choice because it focuses on multiple characters and on-going situations. Once I had the basic template from one episode in place I was able to follow the different story lines to other episodes. I needed to watch each episode at least twice — and some I watched more than ten times — but slowly I was able to build my capacity to follow different characters and story lines and see how they related to specific incidents.
One final note: I am not advertising ER. It benefited me because it was a longer show (a half-hour sitcom was too short to push me) and had multiple on-going story lines. I think another reason ER worked well for me was because I could remember some of the details people discussed when it was aired and some scenes which I could not understand back then. It was a great thrill to be able to put those memories in context at long last. I later tried to do the same thing with the first season of The West Wing, which meets all the above criteria but aired when I was out of the country. I didn't work. I thought I would enjoy the show, but I just could not become interested. At least for me, it seems that connecting my actions with ancient memories is a critical piece to making progress.
Some interventions I found almost instinctively.
Another stereotypical young-child activity which helped me is to watch the same television show again and again and ask for the same bedtime story again and again. I started doing that without realizing it, and eventually was focusing on it. I can feel the changes in my own brain. It has to do with moving beyond understanding information told to me directly to picking up cues and subtle hints from the broader culture. I have always had difficulty with that. You need some sort of template in place to do that, and I was lacking one.
I worked with the first season of ER, something which I had rarely watched when it was originally aired. I focused on television strictly for practical reasons: It is much faster to watch the same forty-five minute television show again and again than it is to read the same two hundred page novel again and again. I watched one specific episode over and over again, and eventually was able to figure out what was happening and how people’s words and actions led to different outcomes. Some lines were intended for that specific episode's plot, some were intended for character development, some were not important at the time but hugely important in future episodes, and some were intended just for humor. While I fully understood that in theory I had tremendous difficulty putting each individual line in its specific category. After watching several episodes repeatedly I was slowly able to classify each utterance bit by bit.
It helped me learn to sort out what I do and do not need to pay attention to. I gradually learned to identify what was important and how one specific incident led to another. All of these were things I was not able to do before. If asked, I could explain the meaning of one specific scene, but I could not figure out how that scene connected to those before and after it. I gradually grew able to understand how different interactions worked together.
Although I did not know it at the time, ER was a really good choice because it focuses on multiple characters and on-going situations. Once I had the basic template from one episode in place I was able to follow the different story lines to other episodes. I needed to watch each episode at least twice — and some I watched more than ten times — but slowly I was able to build my capacity to follow different characters and story lines and see how they related to specific incidents.
One final note: I am not advertising ER. It benefited me because it was a longer show (a half-hour sitcom was too short to push me) and had multiple on-going story lines. I think another reason ER worked well for me was because I could remember some of the details people discussed when it was aired and some scenes which I could not understand back then. It was a great thrill to be able to put those memories in context at long last. I later tried to do the same thing with the first season of The West Wing, which meets all the above criteria but aired when I was out of the country. I didn't work. I thought I would enjoy the show, but I just could not become interested. At least for me, it seems that connecting my actions with ancient memories is a critical piece to making progress.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Starting to Communicate
Dear Tony,
In pieces of these blogs, I will tell you directly what has worked for me. Most of my treatment is based on Bruce Perry’s ideas. All I know is what worked for me. They are not intended to be instructions or guidelines for everybody with a mental illness. They are simply suggestions.
Dr. Perry would say that one critical piece in my treatment was that I was about two-and-a-half when these traumas started happening. (There were multiple changes at once — my illness was the largest, but there was a number of other factors.) That meant that my brain and development had the chance to have a good start. If I had become ill when I was six months old I would have likely had very different problems. Most of his book focuses on children who were traumatized at a younger age. Dr. Perry gave me the essential philisophical underpinning, but I was on my own to devise specific strategies.
I don’t have much experience with children. I have a younger sibling and my mother is an elementary school teacher. Much of what I used is based on stereotypes and my own vague memories. While stereotypes are problematic, it was enough to give me a start.
My first strategy was for a problem I have described earlier: my inability to communicate effectively. That was at the time my most critical problem. My difficulties communicating had landed me into extremely uncomfortable and sometimes even dangerous situations. I tried to think of what young children do and what I missed. Young children struggle to communicate. They focus only on learning to communicate. Which was basically what I needed to do - focus solely on communicating my message. Not on eye contact. Not on my tone or volume (much like a young child, I had a tendency to speak very loudly for a while). Not on my specific word choice. Only on communicating my message. Once I was better able to communicate I could gradually incorporate those other elements into my speech.
In pieces of these blogs, I will tell you directly what has worked for me. Most of my treatment is based on Bruce Perry’s ideas. All I know is what worked for me. They are not intended to be instructions or guidelines for everybody with a mental illness. They are simply suggestions.
Dr. Perry would say that one critical piece in my treatment was that I was about two-and-a-half when these traumas started happening. (There were multiple changes at once — my illness was the largest, but there was a number of other factors.) That meant that my brain and development had the chance to have a good start. If I had become ill when I was six months old I would have likely had very different problems. Most of his book focuses on children who were traumatized at a younger age. Dr. Perry gave me the essential philisophical underpinning, but I was on my own to devise specific strategies.
I don’t have much experience with children. I have a younger sibling and my mother is an elementary school teacher. Much of what I used is based on stereotypes and my own vague memories. While stereotypes are problematic, it was enough to give me a start.
My first strategy was for a problem I have described earlier: my inability to communicate effectively. That was at the time my most critical problem. My difficulties communicating had landed me into extremely uncomfortable and sometimes even dangerous situations. I tried to think of what young children do and what I missed. Young children struggle to communicate. They focus only on learning to communicate. Which was basically what I needed to do - focus solely on communicating my message. Not on eye contact. Not on my tone or volume (much like a young child, I had a tendency to speak very loudly for a while). Not on my specific word choice. Only on communicating my message. Once I was better able to communicate I could gradually incorporate those other elements into my speech.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Variations
Dear Tony,
Do the best that you can.
Don’t strain yourself. Making these changes and trying things that you haven’t done in a long time (or never before) is enormously stressful. If you add to that by demanding that you reach certain limits, routinely do something at a specified time or for a certain length of time, you are going to burn out.
A large part of this is discovering what you can do, what your limits really are. People’s limits change from day to day (sometimes from minute to minute), are sensitive to moods and outside events, and frequently are not known in the beginning. People recovering from mental illness are even more sensitive to such issues. Your best work today may not be your best work tomorrow or the day after. Do the best you can at any certain point. Concentrate your efforts on not pushing too far and not burning out.
Do the best that you can.
Don’t strain yourself. Making these changes and trying things that you haven’t done in a long time (or never before) is enormously stressful. If you add to that by demanding that you reach certain limits, routinely do something at a specified time or for a certain length of time, you are going to burn out.
A large part of this is discovering what you can do, what your limits really are. People’s limits change from day to day (sometimes from minute to minute), are sensitive to moods and outside events, and frequently are not known in the beginning. People recovering from mental illness are even more sensitive to such issues. Your best work today may not be your best work tomorrow or the day after. Do the best you can at any certain point. Concentrate your efforts on not pushing too far and not burning out.
Monday, April 1, 2013
Maintaining Focus
Dear Tony,
One point which is both very difficult and very important is not to think too far ahead.
In her book Nadia Comaneci said that when she was growing up and training for the Olympics her dreams were of obtaining new skills. She never saw the larger picture of fame and fortune.
Admittedly, she grew up in strict conditions in a Communist country. Those conditions can’t and probably shouldn’t be replicated in this area today. But I have found that idea of simply focusing on the next few steps, of imagining and fantasizing of building new skills, to be very helpful.
We can only go one step at a time, and (at least at the beginning) I could only work on one thing at a time. Thinking too far in the future can be discouraging as you realize how far away it is. Certainly don’t give up on your dreams. But put them away for now. Focus on what you can do. Try to direct your thoughts as much as possible on the next few steps.
One point which is both very difficult and very important is not to think too far ahead.
In her book Nadia Comaneci said that when she was growing up and training for the Olympics her dreams were of obtaining new skills. She never saw the larger picture of fame and fortune.
Admittedly, she grew up in strict conditions in a Communist country. Those conditions can’t and probably shouldn’t be replicated in this area today. But I have found that idea of simply focusing on the next few steps, of imagining and fantasizing of building new skills, to be very helpful.
We can only go one step at a time, and (at least at the beginning) I could only work on one thing at a time. Thinking too far in the future can be discouraging as you realize how far away it is. Certainly don’t give up on your dreams. But put them away for now. Focus on what you can do. Try to direct your thoughts as much as possible on the next few steps.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Recommended Reading
Dear Readers,
It has come to my attention that the Recommended Reading link is not always working. My apologies. I am working to fix it. In the meantime, here is a copy of the list:
My most recommended books are the ones by Bruce Perry, a child psychiatrist. He has two books: The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog and Born for Love. His ideas have formed the basis of my own treatment. To grossly simplify his theories, if a child has a trauma at a young age it does not necessarily matter what they consciously remember or how they feel about it years later. If a child has a trauma before the age of five, when the brain is still forming, and essentially does not have the opportunity to run around and explore the world and act like a child, it can affect the way the brain forms. That can affect things later, even if the child receives good care afterward.
I had a severe physical illness just before I turned three. Dr. Perry blasts many professionals for not recognizing the effects early trauma can have on people. In my case, most people did sort of suspect that my illness was at the root of my problems, but no one could really figure it out.
According to Dr. Perry, people in that situation need stimulation and skill-building aimed at the age they missed it, not their current chronological age. In my case, I needed to figure out what skills I had missed and come up with ways to obtain them. That has been the most helpful approach I have encountered in my life. I needed to build skills one at a time, and it took a while. I am still working on some of the more advanced skills. I will write more about some of the details of what I did later. For now — read the books.
Some of the other books about mental illness I really like are:
The Center Cannot Hold by Elyn Saks. A powerful story about a woman with schizophrenia and her (successful) struggles to build her life and career.
The Quiet Room by Lori Schiller and Amanda Bennett. This book is somewhat dated (although a new edition with an updated epilogue was published in the last few months), but provides a very informative view of exactly what is going on in a schizophranic person's mind.
Girl, Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen. Ms. Kaysen discusses her own hospitalization in the 1960's with some of the questions we frequently face today: How much of this is me and how much is my meds? What is the real problem and the solution?
Danger to Self by Paul Linde. A very interesting book by an emergency psychiatrist. People with psych problems often complain legitimately about ER services, and it can be helpful to see the opposite perspective.
It has come to my attention that the Recommended Reading link is not always working. My apologies. I am working to fix it. In the meantime, here is a copy of the list:
My most recommended books are the ones by Bruce Perry, a child psychiatrist. He has two books: The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog and Born for Love. His ideas have formed the basis of my own treatment. To grossly simplify his theories, if a child has a trauma at a young age it does not necessarily matter what they consciously remember or how they feel about it years later. If a child has a trauma before the age of five, when the brain is still forming, and essentially does not have the opportunity to run around and explore the world and act like a child, it can affect the way the brain forms. That can affect things later, even if the child receives good care afterward.
I had a severe physical illness just before I turned three. Dr. Perry blasts many professionals for not recognizing the effects early trauma can have on people. In my case, most people did sort of suspect that my illness was at the root of my problems, but no one could really figure it out.
According to Dr. Perry, people in that situation need stimulation and skill-building aimed at the age they missed it, not their current chronological age. In my case, I needed to figure out what skills I had missed and come up with ways to obtain them. That has been the most helpful approach I have encountered in my life. I needed to build skills one at a time, and it took a while. I am still working on some of the more advanced skills. I will write more about some of the details of what I did later. For now — read the books.
Some of the other books about mental illness I really like are:
The Center Cannot Hold by Elyn Saks. A powerful story about a woman with schizophrenia and her (successful) struggles to build her life and career.
The Quiet Room by Lori Schiller and Amanda Bennett. This book is somewhat dated (although a new edition with an updated epilogue was published in the last few months), but provides a very informative view of exactly what is going on in a schizophranic person's mind.
Girl, Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen. Ms. Kaysen discusses her own hospitalization in the 1960's with some of the questions we frequently face today: How much of this is me and how much is my meds? What is the real problem and the solution?
Danger to Self by Paul Linde. A very interesting book by an emergency psychiatrist. People with psych problems often complain legitimately about ER services, and it can be helpful to see the opposite perspective.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Coping With Outside Stress
This letter was originally written the week Osama bin Ladin was killed:
Dear Tony,
I will admit that the events going on in the outside world can leave us shaken.
We build a foundation very slowly, piece by piece, around our understanding of the outside world. A surprise announcement like the one we had this week — even good news — can seriously disrupt that foundation.
Many people would admit to some of the same feelings, but I think some of our feelings are stronger.
One of the central tenets of mental illness is an inability to handle and process our feelings appropriately. We work on building that, but sudden events can throw them out of control.
That being said, I do not a lot of advice to give. Except to be aware of it, and realize that it might affect your mood and energy for a while. You might need to make some accomodations for that.
Sometimes in the past I needed to put my own progress aside to deal with events in the outside world. I cope by reading as much as I can handle about the subject. Some people I know cope by shutting the news out as much as possible. I am not advocating either method. I am just letting you know.
Dear Tony,
I will admit that the events going on in the outside world can leave us shaken.
We build a foundation very slowly, piece by piece, around our understanding of the outside world. A surprise announcement like the one we had this week — even good news — can seriously disrupt that foundation.
Many people would admit to some of the same feelings, but I think some of our feelings are stronger.
One of the central tenets of mental illness is an inability to handle and process our feelings appropriately. We work on building that, but sudden events can throw them out of control.
That being said, I do not a lot of advice to give. Except to be aware of it, and realize that it might affect your mood and energy for a while. You might need to make some accomodations for that.
Sometimes in the past I needed to put my own progress aside to deal with events in the outside world. I cope by reading as much as I can handle about the subject. Some people I know cope by shutting the news out as much as possible. I am not advocating either method. I am just letting you know.
Monday, March 18, 2013
Where To Start
Dear Tony,
To start, work on one thing. Only one.
Look at yourself honestly and figure out something you can do. It may not be what you most need. I need to emphasize that: Start with what you can do, not what you most need.
For me, I needed to learn to communicate. For most of my life I could not express myself in a way that people could understand. I could not figure out the rhythms. I would explain too little, and people would misunderstand. I would say too much, and people would not be able to follow along. To converse, you need to tailor what you say to the other person. You need to follow cues about what s/he is thinking and feeling. All of that was way ahead of me. Like many people with mental illness, I had difficulty making friends. Even more important, more than once I was seriously harrassed and could not report it because I could not communicate.
To improve my communication skills I needed to focus on just putting my thoughts into words. Only that. Not eye contact. Not my volume or tone of voice. Not my body language. I needed to go back and work on the basics of communication.
That was the only thing that worked for me. After a while I was able to work on eye contact and my other issues. It took a while to reach that point. But I did learn to communicate better.
To start, work on one thing. Only one.
Look at yourself honestly and figure out something you can do. It may not be what you most need. I need to emphasize that: Start with what you can do, not what you most need.
For me, I needed to learn to communicate. For most of my life I could not express myself in a way that people could understand. I could not figure out the rhythms. I would explain too little, and people would misunderstand. I would say too much, and people would not be able to follow along. To converse, you need to tailor what you say to the other person. You need to follow cues about what s/he is thinking and feeling. All of that was way ahead of me. Like many people with mental illness, I had difficulty making friends. Even more important, more than once I was seriously harrassed and could not report it because I could not communicate.
To improve my communication skills I needed to focus on just putting my thoughts into words. Only that. Not eye contact. Not my volume or tone of voice. Not my body language. I needed to go back and work on the basics of communication.
That was the only thing that worked for me. After a while I was able to work on eye contact and my other issues. It took a while to reach that point. But I did learn to communicate better.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Finding Limits
Dear Tony,
Do the best you can.
Don’t strain yourself. Making these changes and trying things that you haven’t done in a long time (or never before) is enormously stressful. If you add to that by demanding that you reach certain limits, routinely do something at a specified time or for a certain length of time, you are going to burn out.
A large part of this is discovering what you can do, what your limits really are. People’s limits change from day to day (sometimes from minute to minute), are sensitive to moods and outside events, and frequently are not known in the beginning. People recovering from mental illness are even more sensitive to such issues. Your best work today may not be your best work tomorrow or the day after. Do the best you can at any certain point. Concentrate your efforts on not pushing too far and not burning out.
Do the best you can.
Don’t strain yourself. Making these changes and trying things that you haven’t done in a long time (or never before) is enormously stressful. If you add to that by demanding that you reach certain limits, routinely do something at a specified time or for a certain length of time, you are going to burn out.
A large part of this is discovering what you can do, what your limits really are. People’s limits change from day to day (sometimes from minute to minute), are sensitive to moods and outside events, and frequently are not known in the beginning. People recovering from mental illness are even more sensitive to such issues. Your best work today may not be your best work tomorrow or the day after. Do the best you can at any certain point. Concentrate your efforts on not pushing too far and not burning out.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Setbacks
Dear Tony,
I haven’t written in a while because I have had some of my own setbacks which I needed to deal with.
Setback. That doesn’t make my current project a failure. It doesn’t mean that I need to permanently restrict my activities or make drastic changes. It means exactly what it is. Set. Back. It usually means I need to take a few steps backwards, need to slow down, need to lie low for a little while. Need to regroup. It depends of the project, of course, but it usually only lasts for a week or so. Then I try again.
So why did it fail? For me, the most common reason is that I simply moved too quickly. I took on more than I can handle and I needed to withdraw and rethink my current duties. That isn't a failure. Or I was doing too many things with my current project and my other responsibilities. Or I wasn’t as prepared for the next step as I thought I was, and I needed to go back and rebuild myself some more. Or some crisis came up, and I couldn’t handle anything new.
Taking on new projects requires a lot of energy. Often I need to make my life as stable as possible and I need to withdraw from some other activities. I need to just concentrate on doing the first step, and then I need to rest. Sometimes I need to give the same attention and focus to the second and third and fourth step, too. But eventually I will grow accustomed to it. And if I don’t, then I need to step back and figure out what happened. If I need more time or a smaller step. But I usually learn something and make some progress.
I haven’t written in a while because I have had some of my own setbacks which I needed to deal with.
Setback. That doesn’t make my current project a failure. It doesn’t mean that I need to permanently restrict my activities or make drastic changes. It means exactly what it is. Set. Back. It usually means I need to take a few steps backwards, need to slow down, need to lie low for a little while. Need to regroup. It depends of the project, of course, but it usually only lasts for a week or so. Then I try again.
So why did it fail? For me, the most common reason is that I simply moved too quickly. I took on more than I can handle and I needed to withdraw and rethink my current duties. That isn't a failure. Or I was doing too many things with my current project and my other responsibilities. Or I wasn’t as prepared for the next step as I thought I was, and I needed to go back and rebuild myself some more. Or some crisis came up, and I couldn’t handle anything new.
Taking on new projects requires a lot of energy. Often I need to make my life as stable as possible and I need to withdraw from some other activities. I need to just concentrate on doing the first step, and then I need to rest. Sometimes I need to give the same attention and focus to the second and third and fourth step, too. But eventually I will grow accustomed to it. And if I don’t, then I need to step back and figure out what happened. If I need more time or a smaller step. But I usually learn something and make some progress.
Friday, March 8, 2013
Facing Trauma
Dear Tony,
I know you have some serious trauma in your past which you think about often. I do, too. The majority of people with mental illness do. How it affects our illness is difficult to understand.
Facing this has been difficult for me. Often it is difficult to think about. If I try to write or say precisely what happened I fall apart. I can only deal with little pieces at a time. Even now.
That does not mean I can't improve.
One serious issue is the guilt surrounding my trauma. I wasn't totally innocent. I did do some things wrong. Often, when people wanted to help me, they implied that I was pure and innocent. Or that what happened vastly outweighed anything I had done. But my guilt was still in a ball inside of me. I couldn't release it. I wasn't even sure I should. If people said I was innocent, I felt that ball pressing against me.
I wasn't innocent. I did do some things wrong. I just felt like I had been sentenced to a lifetime of hard labor for a misdemeanor. I think that is common.
Don't let go of your sins -- you have probably realized by now that you can't -- but try not to dwell on them either. Try to think about what you can do. What would make you feel better now? Do you need to find ways to atone or do you need to heal yourself overall for now? Do you need to start to work through what happened directly or do you need better ways to protect yourself? Each person is different. No one can answer those questions for you.
I know you have some serious trauma in your past which you think about often. I do, too. The majority of people with mental illness do. How it affects our illness is difficult to understand.
Facing this has been difficult for me. Often it is difficult to think about. If I try to write or say precisely what happened I fall apart. I can only deal with little pieces at a time. Even now.
That does not mean I can't improve.
One serious issue is the guilt surrounding my trauma. I wasn't totally innocent. I did do some things wrong. Often, when people wanted to help me, they implied that I was pure and innocent. Or that what happened vastly outweighed anything I had done. But my guilt was still in a ball inside of me. I couldn't release it. I wasn't even sure I should. If people said I was innocent, I felt that ball pressing against me.
I wasn't innocent. I did do some things wrong. I just felt like I had been sentenced to a lifetime of hard labor for a misdemeanor. I think that is common.
Don't let go of your sins -- you have probably realized by now that you can't -- but try not to dwell on them either. Try to think about what you can do. What would make you feel better now? Do you need to find ways to atone or do you need to heal yourself overall for now? Do you need to start to work through what happened directly or do you need better ways to protect yourself? Each person is different. No one can answer those questions for you.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Starting to Change
Dear Tony,
I know that changing things is very difficult. You just need to start something. Anything. Anything that you can do right now.
The first step is almost always the most difficult. Once you have started, you will be able to move on and go further. You will see more possibilities, more things that you can do. But just taking that first step is the most difficult.
Chances are you fuction better at certain times or in certain locations or under other very specific conditions. Accomodate that as much as you possibly can. Change is difficult enough at first. Make it as easy on yourself as possible.
Don't be worried about failure. In my experience, almost nothing is a complete and total failure. New changes usually succeed in some way, even if it is not the way you most want. Even if you do fail, think it over and consider what happened. You probably did some things right, and you need to realize and build on that. And if you can figure out what went wrong, than at least you know what to avoid. Or what you are not ready for right now. And then you can make changes and try again.
Also, do not think about the long-term plan for now. Just do whatever you can do. Obviously, later on you will want to be careful that you are moving in the direction you want to move in. But for now just make any positive change you can. In order to move in the right direction first you need to learn how to move.
One more thing: Taking the first step is very difficult, and you will need to take care of yourself when you do so. I usually need more food and sleep when I am beginning to do something new. You may need to find some other activities you enjoy. Call it a reward. You've earned it.
Good luck!
I know that changing things is very difficult. You just need to start something. Anything. Anything that you can do right now.
The first step is almost always the most difficult. Once you have started, you will be able to move on and go further. You will see more possibilities, more things that you can do. But just taking that first step is the most difficult.
Chances are you fuction better at certain times or in certain locations or under other very specific conditions. Accomodate that as much as you possibly can. Change is difficult enough at first. Make it as easy on yourself as possible.
Don't be worried about failure. In my experience, almost nothing is a complete and total failure. New changes usually succeed in some way, even if it is not the way you most want. Even if you do fail, think it over and consider what happened. You probably did some things right, and you need to realize and build on that. And if you can figure out what went wrong, than at least you know what to avoid. Or what you are not ready for right now. And then you can make changes and try again.
Also, do not think about the long-term plan for now. Just do whatever you can do. Obviously, later on you will want to be careful that you are moving in the direction you want to move in. But for now just make any positive change you can. In order to move in the right direction first you need to learn how to move.
One more thing: Taking the first step is very difficult, and you will need to take care of yourself when you do so. I usually need more food and sleep when I am beginning to do something new. You may need to find some other activities you enjoy. Call it a reward. You've earned it.
Good luck!
Learning to Heal
Dear Tony,
I have gone through some difficult periods myself recently. I would like to reflect on some of what I learned.
You need to fix your life as best as you can. Change is very traumatic at first. You need to have as much stability as possible before trying to change anything. Too much change can backfire quickly. Major changes involve an extended period of down time where you need to keep the rest of your life as stable as possible.
I tried to do too much, pushed too hard, and grew depressed. I essentially shut down for a while. I needed to rest and stop pushing myself more than absolutely necessary. I stopped trying to eat well or exercise more. When you are depressed, just eating anything at all can be an accomplishment, and I stopped there. I stopped trying to clean my apartment or do anything really productive. I just rested for a few days.
And it worked. I feel a lot better now. Although I know I still need to be really careful about my limits and to concentrate on my new job and not push myself to do much extra.
A friend of mine who had a chronic physical problem once told me that the body needs extra energy trying to heal. That if she strained herself or had a complication she needed to rest more and eat more to let her body heal. I think that is true for mental health as well as physical. If your mind or your body is strained, then you need to give it something extra to recover.
I have gone through some difficult periods myself recently. I would like to reflect on some of what I learned.
You need to fix your life as best as you can. Change is very traumatic at first. You need to have as much stability as possible before trying to change anything. Too much change can backfire quickly. Major changes involve an extended period of down time where you need to keep the rest of your life as stable as possible.
I tried to do too much, pushed too hard, and grew depressed. I essentially shut down for a while. I needed to rest and stop pushing myself more than absolutely necessary. I stopped trying to eat well or exercise more. When you are depressed, just eating anything at all can be an accomplishment, and I stopped there. I stopped trying to clean my apartment or do anything really productive. I just rested for a few days.
And it worked. I feel a lot better now. Although I know I still need to be really careful about my limits and to concentrate on my new job and not push myself to do much extra.
A friend of mine who had a chronic physical problem once told me that the body needs extra energy trying to heal. That if she strained herself or had a complication she needed to rest more and eat more to let her body heal. I think that is true for mental health as well as physical. If your mind or your body is strained, then you need to give it something extra to recover.
Healing
Dear Tony,
I know you are sick. I know that is very scary. I have been there before.
Try to relax and calm down. Try to just rest at first. This is most likely temporary. Your life will grow better in time.
When you are sick, you need to heal. You need to relax and let both your body and your mind heal yourself. No one can do that for you. People may be able to help you with that, but you really need to heal yourself.
Healing is not the same as treatment. Healing is much more than taking medications. Healing is fixing your mind, your body, and your life so that you can live as fully as possible. Medication is only one piece to that. For some people it is essential, but it is still only one piece of improving. The true healing rests with you.
Rest at first. When you are sick you need rest. Then start to figure out ways to heal.
I know you are sick. I know that is very scary. I have been there before.
Try to relax and calm down. Try to just rest at first. This is most likely temporary. Your life will grow better in time.
When you are sick, you need to heal. You need to relax and let both your body and your mind heal yourself. No one can do that for you. People may be able to help you with that, but you really need to heal yourself.
Healing is not the same as treatment. Healing is much more than taking medications. Healing is fixing your mind, your body, and your life so that you can live as fully as possible. Medication is only one piece to that. For some people it is essential, but it is still only one piece of improving. The true healing rests with you.
Rest at first. When you are sick you need rest. Then start to figure out ways to heal.
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