Step by Step

Dear Tony,

You need to understand that this work can be tedious at times. It almost certainly will take longer than you have planned.

You should have an internal sense that you are making progress. It often feels like you are building a wall or a walkway. You go brick by brick. Each brick looks similar and often the process appears similar. But each brick is necessary - if one was not there you would notice it. You should sense that you are moving forward and growing better with each individual step you take, even if it doesn't change things in your life right away.

But it will feel like you are doing the same thing again and again. That is boring but necessary. If you lack these skills, you need to work to acquire them. No one can build skills in a day. The only way to build them is to practice them again and again.

If you feel you are not making progress, stop. If you feel like you are not making progress you probably are not. You may have been aiming too high. You may have the right general idea what you need to do, but left a critical piece out of it. You may need more practice at a lower level step.

Also, from my experience, if you grow agitated and start having flashbacks, that is most likely a sign that you are aiming too high.

One of the most annoying experiences is when you know intellectually what the next step is, but you are not ready to do it. Try to resist the urge to move ahead if you know you are not ready. You will regret it later. Work towards building yourself at your current level while keeping your eye on the prize. That is admittedly easier said than done. But if you move ahead before you are ready you will probably crash.

The Problem

Dear Tony,

You have probably reached a point where you know something is wrong. The problem is not the world. You realize you have a problem, and you need to go find and figure out a way to fix it.

Next question: What's the problem?

Don't worry too much about your diagnosis. I know it is not easy, but diagnoses don't explain anything. They are not useless, but they really exist more to help the doctors than to help you. A diagnosis is one or two words. The human brain is the most complicated thing in the known universe. No one's brain can be reduced to one or two words.

This is difficult to accept, but there is usually no easy answer for that above question. Chances are you do not have a simple problem or a simple solution. You have probably tried intently to fix it for a long time now. If there was a simple solution, you would have done it by now.

Which brings me back to the advice I keep telling you. You are not helpless, but you need to make small changes one at a time and go step by step. You can improve your life, but you need to start where you are and make changes based on what you can do, not what you most need.

Where to Begin

Dear Tony,

How do you choose where to begin? It admittedly can be very tricky.

I've said it before: Start with what you can do, not what you most need.

That sometimes can be difficult to figure out.

Any positive change is a step in the right direction. If you had skills which you lost in the last several months, try to start there. It is often easier to re-gain skills. Somehow our subconscious seems to hold on to them for a while.

Another possibility is to look at something you already do well and try to make it still better. That might be difficult to do when you have other problems. But it is still a positive change, and every positive change is good.

The most important piece is not the change itself. It is learning how to make changes and adjust yourself to changes. That may well be the most difficult skill you ever need to learn. But once you learn how to make your life better your life will become better. No matter how small the changes are.