Dear Tony,
I have learned more about dealing with drastic changes in mentality or lifestyle.
I react as though they are a physical illness. Often they can lead to physical illness - stress can weaken the immune system, they often involve changes in day-to-day functioning, etc. I have learned to treat them as wounds or illnesses.
How do we treat illnesses?
Usually the best way to treat illnesses is to slow down your daily life. Cut back on things that are not absolutely essential. Sleep as much as you can - the more you sleep, the faster you will heal. Illness and wounds sometimes need specific treatment (cough syrup, aspirin, specific creams for wounds). To treat a wound, you would probably cut back on your life but also give it some special treatment, specifically exposing it to fresh air or to rest. For a drastic change, you need to "expose the change." Think about it and let it in. Let it come in to your life.
Like physical problems, that takes time. Wounds and illnesses heal when they are ready to heal, not when you need them to. You cannot speed up the healing just by treating yourself more aggressively. You need to give your physical and mental health time to adjust to the change. It takes a while. But it can be done.
Showing posts with label recovery. Show all posts
Showing posts with label recovery. Show all posts
Sunday, June 14, 2015
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Another Truth
Dear Tony,
There is another inconvenient and uncomfortable truth you should be aware of as you work to improve your life.
You gain skills when you are ready for them, not when you need them.
Your brain grows and develops at its own pace. You often cannot make it grow faster by pushing more.
I would advise you to be careful with long-term plans. It is often difficult to know what you can and can not handle and what you will be working on in the distant future.
There is another inconvenient and uncomfortable truth you should be aware of as you work to improve your life.
You gain skills when you are ready for them, not when you need them.
Your brain grows and develops at its own pace. You often cannot make it grow faster by pushing more.
I would advise you to be careful with long-term plans. It is often difficult to know what you can and can not handle and what you will be working on in the distant future.
Monday, December 1, 2014
Step by Step
Dear Tony,
You need to understand that this work can be tedious at times. It almost certainly will take longer than you have planned.
You should have an internal sense that you are making progress. It often feels like you are building a wall or a walkway. You go brick by brick. Each brick looks similar and often the process appears similar. But each brick is necessary - if one was not there you would notice it. You should sense that you are moving forward and growing better with each individual step you take, even if it doesn't change things in your life right away.
But it will feel like you are doing the same thing again and again. That is boring but necessary. If you lack these skills, you need to work to acquire them. No one can build skills in a day. The only way to build them is to practice them again and again.
If you feel you are not making progress, stop. If you feel like you are not making progress you probably are not. You may have been aiming too high. You may have the right general idea what you need to do, but left a critical piece out of it. You may need more practice at a lower level step.
Also, from my experience, if you grow agitated and start having flashbacks, that is most likely a sign that you are aiming too high.
One of the most annoying experiences is when you know intellectually what the next step is, but you are not ready to do it. Try to resist the urge to move ahead if you know you are not ready. You will regret it later. Work towards building yourself at your current level while keeping your eye on the prize. That is admittedly easier said than done. But if you move ahead before you are ready you will probably crash.
You need to understand that this work can be tedious at times. It almost certainly will take longer than you have planned.
You should have an internal sense that you are making progress. It often feels like you are building a wall or a walkway. You go brick by brick. Each brick looks similar and often the process appears similar. But each brick is necessary - if one was not there you would notice it. You should sense that you are moving forward and growing better with each individual step you take, even if it doesn't change things in your life right away.
But it will feel like you are doing the same thing again and again. That is boring but necessary. If you lack these skills, you need to work to acquire them. No one can build skills in a day. The only way to build them is to practice them again and again.
If you feel you are not making progress, stop. If you feel like you are not making progress you probably are not. You may have been aiming too high. You may have the right general idea what you need to do, but left a critical piece out of it. You may need more practice at a lower level step.
Also, from my experience, if you grow agitated and start having flashbacks, that is most likely a sign that you are aiming too high.
One of the most annoying experiences is when you know intellectually what the next step is, but you are not ready to do it. Try to resist the urge to move ahead if you know you are not ready. You will regret it later. Work towards building yourself at your current level while keeping your eye on the prize. That is admittedly easier said than done. But if you move ahead before you are ready you will probably crash.
Saturday, November 22, 2014
The Problem
Dear Tony,
You have probably reached a point where you know something is wrong. The problem is not the world. You realize you have a problem, and you need to go find and figure out a way to fix it.
Next question: What's the problem?
Don't worry too much about your diagnosis. I know it is not easy, but diagnoses don't explain anything. They are not useless, but they really exist more to help the doctors than to help you. A diagnosis is one or two words. The human brain is the most complicated thing in the known universe. No one's brain can be reduced to one or two words.
This is difficult to accept, but there is usually no easy answer for that above question. Chances are you do not have a simple problem or a simple solution. You have probably tried intently to fix it for a long time now. If there was a simple solution, you would have done it by now.
Which brings me back to the advice I keep telling you. You are not helpless, but you need to make small changes one at a time and go step by step. You can improve your life, but you need to start where you are and make changes based on what you can do, not what you most need.
You have probably reached a point where you know something is wrong. The problem is not the world. You realize you have a problem, and you need to go find and figure out a way to fix it.
Next question: What's the problem?
Don't worry too much about your diagnosis. I know it is not easy, but diagnoses don't explain anything. They are not useless, but they really exist more to help the doctors than to help you. A diagnosis is one or two words. The human brain is the most complicated thing in the known universe. No one's brain can be reduced to one or two words.
This is difficult to accept, but there is usually no easy answer for that above question. Chances are you do not have a simple problem or a simple solution. You have probably tried intently to fix it for a long time now. If there was a simple solution, you would have done it by now.
Which brings me back to the advice I keep telling you. You are not helpless, but you need to make small changes one at a time and go step by step. You can improve your life, but you need to start where you are and make changes based on what you can do, not what you most need.
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Where to Begin
Dear Tony,
How do you choose where to begin? It admittedly can be very tricky.
I've said it before: Start with what you can do, not what you most need.
That sometimes can be difficult to figure out.
Any positive change is a step in the right direction. If you had skills which you lost in the last several months, try to start there. It is often easier to re-gain skills. Somehow our subconscious seems to hold on to them for a while.
Another possibility is to look at something you already do well and try to make it still better. That might be difficult to do when you have other problems. But it is still a positive change, and every positive change is good.
The most important piece is not the change itself. It is learning how to make changes and adjust yourself to changes. That may well be the most difficult skill you ever need to learn. But once you learn how to make your life better your life will become better. No matter how small the changes are.
How do you choose where to begin? It admittedly can be very tricky.
I've said it before: Start with what you can do, not what you most need.
That sometimes can be difficult to figure out.
Any positive change is a step in the right direction. If you had skills which you lost in the last several months, try to start there. It is often easier to re-gain skills. Somehow our subconscious seems to hold on to them for a while.
Another possibility is to look at something you already do well and try to make it still better. That might be difficult to do when you have other problems. But it is still a positive change, and every positive change is good.
The most important piece is not the change itself. It is learning how to make changes and adjust yourself to changes. That may well be the most difficult skill you ever need to learn. But once you learn how to make your life better your life will become better. No matter how small the changes are.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
More on Intrusive Memories
Dear Tony,
I have some more insight on intrusive memories which I would like to share.
As I have said before, most intrusive memories are traumatic memories. But they are not the worst traumas in the world or even the worst traumas which have happened to me personally.
For me, intrusive memories are events or conversations which I cannot understand. I cannot fit the details of what happened into my comprehension or my belief system. Since I cannot make sense of the situation, I keep thinking about it. These memories become intrusive memories because I keep thinking about them. And I keep thinking about them because I cannot fit them into my worldview.
Often as my worldview expands and my understanding of human nature deepens, these memories begin to make more sense. I can see things in them that I could not pick up before. I may have made assumptions about the situation or the people I should not have made or avoided assumptions I should have made.
Gaining a better understanding of humanity and social situations as a whole is the most effective treatment. It is also probably the least satisfying. Gaining that overall perspective can take years.
In the shorter term, you probably need to address the memory directly. Try to look at it in hindsight. Go through it and try to pick up clues you might have missed. Did you misread the situation? Did the other people? Could there have been a legitimate misunderstanding? Was there anything you could reasonably have done differently? Was there anything you could have possibly have done differently?
You will probably need to go through the memories over and over again. These memories can be like wounds. They do not heal quickly no matter what you do. But if you keep working at them they should start to heal bit by bit.
I have some more insight on intrusive memories which I would like to share.
As I have said before, most intrusive memories are traumatic memories. But they are not the worst traumas in the world or even the worst traumas which have happened to me personally.
For me, intrusive memories are events or conversations which I cannot understand. I cannot fit the details of what happened into my comprehension or my belief system. Since I cannot make sense of the situation, I keep thinking about it. These memories become intrusive memories because I keep thinking about them. And I keep thinking about them because I cannot fit them into my worldview.
Often as my worldview expands and my understanding of human nature deepens, these memories begin to make more sense. I can see things in them that I could not pick up before. I may have made assumptions about the situation or the people I should not have made or avoided assumptions I should have made.
Gaining a better understanding of humanity and social situations as a whole is the most effective treatment. It is also probably the least satisfying. Gaining that overall perspective can take years.
In the shorter term, you probably need to address the memory directly. Try to look at it in hindsight. Go through it and try to pick up clues you might have missed. Did you misread the situation? Did the other people? Could there have been a legitimate misunderstanding? Was there anything you could reasonably have done differently? Was there anything you could have possibly have done differently?
You will probably need to go through the memories over and over again. These memories can be like wounds. They do not heal quickly no matter what you do. But if you keep working at them they should start to heal bit by bit.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
More on Therapists
Dear Tony,
I would like to expand a little more on the last point I made in the last letter.
Therapists are not supposed to grow angry at their clients, but it does happen. My advice - and this is just me - is, if it only happens occasionally and you still feel safe and comfortable there, don't worry about it. Therapy is a very emotionally charged environment, therapists often need to make quick decisions about how to respond, and people - both the therapist and the client - sometimes do not process their feelings appropriately. Also, I think that sometimes therapists can unintentionally appear to be angry when they are really not.
I would suggest that it is more important to ask yourself: Am I comfortable telling this therapist what is going on? Does the therapist listen to me and respect my judgment? Am I making progress in the areas I would like to? If the answer to both questions is yes, then I would probably recommend staying with that therapist.
On the other hand, there is no excuse for rage. If your therapist grows uncontrollably angry, or angry for an extended period of time, you should try to find a new therapist. If you are afraid of telling your therapist something because s/he will be angry or will take it the wrong way, then you are not receiving the help you need. And - to repeat what I said in the last letter - if your therapist grows enraged because you did something without first asking his/her permission, there are serious control issues. You need to find another therapist quickly.
I would like to expand a little more on the last point I made in the last letter.
Therapists are not supposed to grow angry at their clients, but it does happen. My advice - and this is just me - is, if it only happens occasionally and you still feel safe and comfortable there, don't worry about it. Therapy is a very emotionally charged environment, therapists often need to make quick decisions about how to respond, and people - both the therapist and the client - sometimes do not process their feelings appropriately. Also, I think that sometimes therapists can unintentionally appear to be angry when they are really not.
I would suggest that it is more important to ask yourself: Am I comfortable telling this therapist what is going on? Does the therapist listen to me and respect my judgment? Am I making progress in the areas I would like to? If the answer to both questions is yes, then I would probably recommend staying with that therapist.
On the other hand, there is no excuse for rage. If your therapist grows uncontrollably angry, or angry for an extended period of time, you should try to find a new therapist. If you are afraid of telling your therapist something because s/he will be angry or will take it the wrong way, then you are not receiving the help you need. And - to repeat what I said in the last letter - if your therapist grows enraged because you did something without first asking his/her permission, there are serious control issues. You need to find another therapist quickly.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Choosing a Therapist
Dear Tony,
As you know, I am a mental health researcher. One of the issues I sometimes research is what factors produce a good therapeutic relationship. Those factors are complicated and difficult to determine. But based on some of what I have observed and personally experienced, I wanted to give some advice about choosing a therapist.
I realize you might not always have a choice of therapist. Geographic and insurance (among other) factors may limit who you are able to see. But you might have a choice between a few people or be able to request a transfer. Everyone's situation is different, which means I cannot give general advice. You need to figure out yourself what your options are.
With that caveat, here are some suggestions about choosing a therapist:
The absolute primary factor is: You must be comfortable with that person. If you are not comfortable, you are not going to be open and honest, which means you are not going to be able to address the complexities of your own situation. You might be more comfortable with a certain gender or a certain age group. If so, try to request it or look for it. Do not try to be fair to the therapist. Health does not play fair. Your needs have to come first.
This ideally works both ways. The therapist might say s/he is not comfortable treating you. This is very painful to hear (I have had that happen). In the long run it is most likely for the best. But you can be left feeling like a mutant. There is not much advice I can give about that situation, except to be aware that it might happen.
I have a few warning signs that you need to find a new therapist:
1. If you cannot discuss something which you feel you need to discuss. Therapists do make mistakes, and they may cut off an important point during a session. But if you bring up this point several times over different sessions and are never able to talk about it, then you are not receiving the help you need.
2. If you disagree with your therapist and are not comfortable saying so. Or if you do tell the therapist you disagree and are repeatedly ignored.
2.a. On a similar note - if the therapist tells you things about yourself that appear wildly speculative or just wrong, and you are not able to disagree (or it is too much effort to do so).
3. Very important - if your therapist becomes enraged if you do something without his/her approval. Therapists are not supposed to become angry in session, but it does happen. But if they grow enraged if you do something without his/her permission, they are insisting on having control over your life. That is wrong - the goal of therapy should be to help you lead the life you want, not to be dependent on the therapist. The therapist should be a guide, not a caretaker.
That is all for now. I will add more suggestions as I think of them later.
As you know, I am a mental health researcher. One of the issues I sometimes research is what factors produce a good therapeutic relationship. Those factors are complicated and difficult to determine. But based on some of what I have observed and personally experienced, I wanted to give some advice about choosing a therapist.
I realize you might not always have a choice of therapist. Geographic and insurance (among other) factors may limit who you are able to see. But you might have a choice between a few people or be able to request a transfer. Everyone's situation is different, which means I cannot give general advice. You need to figure out yourself what your options are.
With that caveat, here are some suggestions about choosing a therapist:
The absolute primary factor is: You must be comfortable with that person. If you are not comfortable, you are not going to be open and honest, which means you are not going to be able to address the complexities of your own situation. You might be more comfortable with a certain gender or a certain age group. If so, try to request it or look for it. Do not try to be fair to the therapist. Health does not play fair. Your needs have to come first.
This ideally works both ways. The therapist might say s/he is not comfortable treating you. This is very painful to hear (I have had that happen). In the long run it is most likely for the best. But you can be left feeling like a mutant. There is not much advice I can give about that situation, except to be aware that it might happen.
I have a few warning signs that you need to find a new therapist:
1. If you cannot discuss something which you feel you need to discuss. Therapists do make mistakes, and they may cut off an important point during a session. But if you bring up this point several times over different sessions and are never able to talk about it, then you are not receiving the help you need.
2. If you disagree with your therapist and are not comfortable saying so. Or if you do tell the therapist you disagree and are repeatedly ignored.
2.a. On a similar note - if the therapist tells you things about yourself that appear wildly speculative or just wrong, and you are not able to disagree (or it is too much effort to do so).
3. Very important - if your therapist becomes enraged if you do something without his/her approval. Therapists are not supposed to become angry in session, but it does happen. But if they grow enraged if you do something without his/her permission, they are insisting on having control over your life. That is wrong - the goal of therapy should be to help you lead the life you want, not to be dependent on the therapist. The therapist should be a guide, not a caretaker.
That is all for now. I will add more suggestions as I think of them later.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Outside Resources
Dear Tony,
You probably have some clear, tangible needs which my blog cannot help with. Maybe you would like to connect with other people who are living with mental illness. There are clubhouses designed for people with mental illness to socialize and support each other. Maybe you would benefit from face-to-face support.
That support can be difficult to find. I would like to give some suggestions. Every region is different, and what works in one area might not work in another. This is especially true for readers outside the United States. But I hope some suggestions will help.
Often these centers are familiar with each other: If you can find one, you can find help from others. The difficulty is finding that first one.
Large mental health organizations such as the United States Psychiatric Rehabilitation Association (www.uspra.org), the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (www.dbsalliance.org) and the National Alliance on Mental Illness (www.nami.org) have chapters in each of the fifty U.S. states (and some locations outside the United States). If you check their websites you might find a branch near you. If not, I would suggest you e-mail a contact person from the nearest geographical area in your state for suggestions.
Many states have 2-1-1 organizations which try to connect people with resources they need. These sites vary widely by state - some states don't have them and others have extensive lifts of resources. I suggest you check your state government website to see if they have lists of resources. You might need to spend some time looking at different links, but I would strongly suggest it. If that does not work, try typing "211 + the name of your state" into a search engine.
That tactic can work for a lot of needs. If you are having difficulty, you might want to try simply typing "clubhouses + your city" or "mental health resources + your city" into a search engine. Make sure what you find is really geared towards your needs. But that can work.
Also, you might want to try looking on www.meetup.com. Meetup is a place where many different groups search for new members and advertise events. A lot of groups promote themselves there. Depending on your region, you might find groups dedicated to supporting people with mental illness.
Finally, you might want to searching www.craigslist.org. Craigslist is an all-purpose site. Make sure your search is on "Community" and then try typing in "mental health" "mental illness" "depression" "schizophrenia" etc.
Be aware it might take a while to locate these resources. Nothing works for everyone and every region. But hopefully it will be enough for you to start finding what you need. If you can, check out the site's individual pages and try to determine what you need. You often cannot tell in advance, but it is still a good idea to look first.
Good luck!
You probably have some clear, tangible needs which my blog cannot help with. Maybe you would like to connect with other people who are living with mental illness. There are clubhouses designed for people with mental illness to socialize and support each other. Maybe you would benefit from face-to-face support.
That support can be difficult to find. I would like to give some suggestions. Every region is different, and what works in one area might not work in another. This is especially true for readers outside the United States. But I hope some suggestions will help.
Often these centers are familiar with each other: If you can find one, you can find help from others. The difficulty is finding that first one.
Large mental health organizations such as the United States Psychiatric Rehabilitation Association (www.uspra.org), the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (www.dbsalliance.org) and the National Alliance on Mental Illness (www.nami.org) have chapters in each of the fifty U.S. states (and some locations outside the United States). If you check their websites you might find a branch near you. If not, I would suggest you e-mail a contact person from the nearest geographical area in your state for suggestions.
Many states have 2-1-1 organizations which try to connect people with resources they need. These sites vary widely by state - some states don't have them and others have extensive lifts of resources. I suggest you check your state government website to see if they have lists of resources. You might need to spend some time looking at different links, but I would strongly suggest it. If that does not work, try typing "211 + the name of your state" into a search engine.
That tactic can work for a lot of needs. If you are having difficulty, you might want to try simply typing "clubhouses + your city" or "mental health resources + your city" into a search engine. Make sure what you find is really geared towards your needs. But that can work.
Also, you might want to try looking on www.meetup.com. Meetup is a place where many different groups search for new members and advertise events. A lot of groups promote themselves there. Depending on your region, you might find groups dedicated to supporting people with mental illness.
Finally, you might want to searching www.craigslist.org. Craigslist is an all-purpose site. Make sure your search is on "Community" and then try typing in "mental health" "mental illness" "depression" "schizophrenia" etc.
Be aware it might take a while to locate these resources. Nothing works for everyone and every region. But hopefully it will be enough for you to start finding what you need. If you can, check out the site's individual pages and try to determine what you need. You often cannot tell in advance, but it is still a good idea to look first.
Good luck!
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Questions
Dear Readers,
Thank you very much for joining me here. I hope you have found the blog helpful and informative.
I would appreciate hearing your thoughts about the blog. Please e-mail me at arioseo@gmail.com and answer the following questions:
1. What is your favorite post thus far? What is your least favorite post? (This can apply to both Tony and Kayla's letters.)
2. Which topics would you like to see addressed?
Thank you again,
Ariose
Thank you very much for joining me here. I hope you have found the blog helpful and informative.
I would appreciate hearing your thoughts about the blog. Please e-mail me at arioseo@gmail.com and answer the following questions:
1. What is your favorite post thus far? What is your least favorite post? (This can apply to both Tony and Kayla's letters.)
2. Which topics would you like to see addressed?
Thank you again,
Ariose
Friday, June 14, 2013
Building
Dear Tony,
I want to remind you that you need to go one step at a time.
I have come a long way since I was hospitalized. But I needed to do it piece by piece. If I tried to go too far, I would crumble. Recovering from mental illness is about a million small steps. In my expeience, there are very few big steps.
I think of it as building a foundation. When you are building anything, literally or figuratively, you build one brick, one nail, one small piece bit by bit.
You can do impressive things, but you need to do them a little at a time.
I want to remind you that you need to go one step at a time.
I have come a long way since I was hospitalized. But I needed to do it piece by piece. If I tried to go too far, I would crumble. Recovering from mental illness is about a million small steps. In my expeience, there are very few big steps.
I think of it as building a foundation. When you are building anything, literally or figuratively, you build one brick, one nail, one small piece bit by bit.
You can do impressive things, but you need to do them a little at a time.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Starting
Dear Tony,
Starting anything is generally the most difficult part.
Once you have figured out what to do, start as soon as you feasibly can. If you are having nagging feelings that something is off than you need to pay attention to that. That is a legitimate reason to postpone starting. On the other hand, if you honestly believe this step is the next step, and you are just nervous, then you should start as soon as you can work yourself up to it. Postponing things usually does not help and can make the anxiety worse. Many times I have needed to start things just because the difficulty of taking that step was still better than continuing to live with my anxiety about it. I have learned to start things as soon as I can. Hopefully you can learn from my mistakes.
You need to decide what you need in place before you can start something. It might be a certain time or access to specific books or other materials of an infinite variety of other factors. No one else can tell you what you need - it is specific to you. It is not reasonable.
Even today, when I start a new skill - even reading a new book - I burn out very quickly the first time I try. I often can only do the exercise for about 10-15 minutes, and then I can't focus. My brain needs to rest and adapt to this new skill on its own. Once I grow used to it I can do it for longer periods of time.
Starting anything is generally the most difficult part.
Once you have figured out what to do, start as soon as you feasibly can. If you are having nagging feelings that something is off than you need to pay attention to that. That is a legitimate reason to postpone starting. On the other hand, if you honestly believe this step is the next step, and you are just nervous, then you should start as soon as you can work yourself up to it. Postponing things usually does not help and can make the anxiety worse. Many times I have needed to start things just because the difficulty of taking that step was still better than continuing to live with my anxiety about it. I have learned to start things as soon as I can. Hopefully you can learn from my mistakes.
You need to decide what you need in place before you can start something. It might be a certain time or access to specific books or other materials of an infinite variety of other factors. No one else can tell you what you need - it is specific to you. It is not reasonable.
Even today, when I start a new skill - even reading a new book - I burn out very quickly the first time I try. I often can only do the exercise for about 10-15 minutes, and then I can't focus. My brain needs to rest and adapt to this new skill on its own. Once I grow used to it I can do it for longer periods of time.
Friday, June 7, 2013
Steps Towards Healing from Trauma
Dear Tony,
Major interventions such as healing from past trauma come in parts. You need to work on it for a while, make some improvements, then leave it and go work on something else. Think of a medical condition which requires multiple surgeries to fix. You prepare yourself and go to one surgery, heal and recover from that, then try to live your life to the fullest capacity until you are ready for the next surgery. Each surgery is legitimate, and you grow better after each one. But you can't do it all at once.
I needed to be out of the hospital for a while before I started to work on my trauma. When you decide to try to heal from trauma, that is what you are working on. That is the one skill you are working to build at the time. That is the primary reason why I waited: I felt I was better off improving my immediate life for a while. But that is just me.
Start with what is bothering you now. There may indeed be root causes or traumas which caused other traumas, but you still need to start with the most obvious and pressing issues. (One of the reasons why you will probably need to revisit trauma multiple times - you will develop a better understanding of the root causes are you are trying to heal. This cannot happen quickly.) The memories you work on should be based on how much it bothers you now - not how much it bothered you at the time or how much it does or does not bother other people.
Do what you can do, not what you need. Work on the feelings you can handle, deal with them, and let them go. Often, if I start to work on it, I can cut part of the troublesome feelings out pretty quickly. I generally felt like I could take off about 20% of my negative feelings by focusing on them this way.
Then I had to put it aside and go back to more immediate interventions. While I was doing that I gained more understanding of the causes of these traumas and what the next steps were. But I still needed to revisit it multiple times after that.
Major interventions such as healing from past trauma come in parts. You need to work on it for a while, make some improvements, then leave it and go work on something else. Think of a medical condition which requires multiple surgeries to fix. You prepare yourself and go to one surgery, heal and recover from that, then try to live your life to the fullest capacity until you are ready for the next surgery. Each surgery is legitimate, and you grow better after each one. But you can't do it all at once.
I needed to be out of the hospital for a while before I started to work on my trauma. When you decide to try to heal from trauma, that is what you are working on. That is the one skill you are working to build at the time. That is the primary reason why I waited: I felt I was better off improving my immediate life for a while. But that is just me.
Start with what is bothering you now. There may indeed be root causes or traumas which caused other traumas, but you still need to start with the most obvious and pressing issues. (One of the reasons why you will probably need to revisit trauma multiple times - you will develop a better understanding of the root causes are you are trying to heal. This cannot happen quickly.) The memories you work on should be based on how much it bothers you now - not how much it bothered you at the time or how much it does or does not bother other people.
Do what you can do, not what you need. Work on the feelings you can handle, deal with them, and let them go. Often, if I start to work on it, I can cut part of the troublesome feelings out pretty quickly. I generally felt like I could take off about 20% of my negative feelings by focusing on them this way.
Then I had to put it aside and go back to more immediate interventions. While I was doing that I gained more understanding of the causes of these traumas and what the next steps were. But I still needed to revisit it multiple times after that.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Intrusive Memories
Dear Tony,
I would like to write about what I have learned about dealing with intrusive memories.
All of the following is just my experience. I can't speak for anyone else.
Intrusive memories are memories you cannot rid yourself of. They keep pressing against your skull and can become very upsetting. I knew that these memories were not worth being so upset over and that I should just forget about them. But we do not have the ability to control our thoughts and emotions as much as any of us would like. Try as I might, I could not rid myself of them.
Most of my intrusive memories are of things with did legitimately upset me. They were genuine injustices. But they were not the worst injustices in the world or even the worst injustices I had personally encountered. I understood that as well, but I still could not rid myself of them. I finally realized that these memories must have had some deeper meaning to me. They were not significant enough in their own right to be bothering me as much as they were.
I started looking back in my past at some situations which had deeply bothered me when I was younger but did not bother me nearly as much now. I tried to figure out what had changed and when they stopped bothering me.
Often those memories bothered me because at the time I couldn't understand them. I was young and naive and had considerable difficulties understanding the nuances of situations. I had been in trouble for behavior which I honestly did not understand was upsetting people. As I grew older, I was able to look back and better understand how my behavior appeared to people. Often those other people had done things wrong as well. Conversations and social situations are extremely complex, and frequently there are multiple small times when things went wrong (especially if there were more than two people involved). Once I was able to sort out precisely where I was wrong, where other people were wrong, and exactly what happened, I was able to gain some control.
When I had that basis of understanding, I was able to heal from the trauma. Healing still did not happen quickly. Think of a large physical wound. Even if that person receives the best medical treatment for that wound, it will still take a while to heal. Much of trauma is like that.
That approach worked for earlier intrusive memories. It helped me heal from more recent intrusive memories. But it was not enough on its own.
I eventually learned that my more recent intrusive memories reflect a skill I am still lacking such as effectively fighting back against being screwed or explaining I misunderstood earlier instructions. I did not have the social skills to succeed at the time, and I still lack those specific skills today. That is why I am still haunted by these memories. I am subconsciously bothered by the fact I still don't have these skills.
I am working to specifically develop them now, and the memories are starting to lose their intensity. Not quickly. But gradually they are not bothering me much more than other bad things that have happened.
I would like to write about what I have learned about dealing with intrusive memories.
All of the following is just my experience. I can't speak for anyone else.
Intrusive memories are memories you cannot rid yourself of. They keep pressing against your skull and can become very upsetting. I knew that these memories were not worth being so upset over and that I should just forget about them. But we do not have the ability to control our thoughts and emotions as much as any of us would like. Try as I might, I could not rid myself of them.
Most of my intrusive memories are of things with did legitimately upset me. They were genuine injustices. But they were not the worst injustices in the world or even the worst injustices I had personally encountered. I understood that as well, but I still could not rid myself of them. I finally realized that these memories must have had some deeper meaning to me. They were not significant enough in their own right to be bothering me as much as they were.
I started looking back in my past at some situations which had deeply bothered me when I was younger but did not bother me nearly as much now. I tried to figure out what had changed and when they stopped bothering me.
Often those memories bothered me because at the time I couldn't understand them. I was young and naive and had considerable difficulties understanding the nuances of situations. I had been in trouble for behavior which I honestly did not understand was upsetting people. As I grew older, I was able to look back and better understand how my behavior appeared to people. Often those other people had done things wrong as well. Conversations and social situations are extremely complex, and frequently there are multiple small times when things went wrong (especially if there were more than two people involved). Once I was able to sort out precisely where I was wrong, where other people were wrong, and exactly what happened, I was able to gain some control.
When I had that basis of understanding, I was able to heal from the trauma. Healing still did not happen quickly. Think of a large physical wound. Even if that person receives the best medical treatment for that wound, it will still take a while to heal. Much of trauma is like that.
That approach worked for earlier intrusive memories. It helped me heal from more recent intrusive memories. But it was not enough on its own.
I eventually learned that my more recent intrusive memories reflect a skill I am still lacking such as effectively fighting back against being screwed or explaining I misunderstood earlier instructions. I did not have the social skills to succeed at the time, and I still lack those specific skills today. That is why I am still haunted by these memories. I am subconsciously bothered by the fact I still don't have these skills.
I am working to specifically develop them now, and the memories are starting to lose their intensity. Not quickly. But gradually they are not bothering me much more than other bad things that have happened.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Reminder - Two Principles
Dear Tony,
I would like to remind you of the two basic principles which helped me improve. I have given you and Kayla specific suggestions based on what worked for me and what I have learned reading and talking to other people. But my advice for you is based around two central premises which I would like to review:
1. Do what you can do, not what you need. I guarantee you, you will be much better off in the long run doing whatever small, silly, trivial thing you can to improve your life right now than you would be waiting for the large things you really need and sitting and suffering while you wait. Do anything you can. For right now, don't worry about the direction you are going in. Just do anything. In order to move in the right direction, you need to first learn to move.
2. Don't wait. Don't wait for anything. Don't wait for the things you really need. Don't wait to understand your illness. Don't wait for the medications to work. Of course, you should talk to your counselor if you have any questions about your medicines or diagnosis. But don't wait to change things. The longer you wait, the longer you are going to be sitting and suffering.
I would like to remind you of the two basic principles which helped me improve. I have given you and Kayla specific suggestions based on what worked for me and what I have learned reading and talking to other people. But my advice for you is based around two central premises which I would like to review:
1. Do what you can do, not what you need. I guarantee you, you will be much better off in the long run doing whatever small, silly, trivial thing you can to improve your life right now than you would be waiting for the large things you really need and sitting and suffering while you wait. Do anything you can. For right now, don't worry about the direction you are going in. Just do anything. In order to move in the right direction, you need to first learn to move.
2. Don't wait. Don't wait for anything. Don't wait for the things you really need. Don't wait to understand your illness. Don't wait for the medications to work. Of course, you should talk to your counselor if you have any questions about your medicines or diagnosis. But don't wait to change things. The longer you wait, the longer you are going to be sitting and suffering.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Traumatic Memories
Dear Tony,
I would like to write a little about dealing with traumatic memories.
Some memories fade over time. Time heals most wounds. But some wounds become infected.
If the memories do not fade by themselves, the next step is to determine whether or not they are still connected to emotion - if having these memories triggers feelings. You need to base that on whether or not these memories are upsetting you now, not how much they upset you at the time or how much they do or do not upset other people. If the memories do not upset you now, just deal with them as best you can. Chances are they would be more work to control those memories than is worth it. Also, for now you are probably better off obsessing over those memories than obsessing over real traumas in you past. One caveat: If you are having flashbacks of trivial incidents for years which have not faded, then chances are they do mean something and you would need to explore what.
But to be honest, if you are having constantly recurring memories they probably are genuinely upsetting you now. You need to figure out a plan to deal with them.
For me the most effective method has been - if it is at all possible - going back and visiting the physical location of the trauma. Do not let anyone push you do so before you are ready - you will be retraumatized. You need to work your courage to go back to the place which can take months. I usually try to go back at least two or three separate times. I have always gone alone and taken the time to work my feelings out. But that has proven to be the best method for me.
I personally am still working on ways to process trauma when it is not feasible to return to the physical location. I have sometimes found that composing letters expressing some of my thoughts and feelings can help. Don't mail them. I usually don't even need to write it out, but I need to figure out precisely what to say. Sometimes coming up with some symbolic action can help as well.
I would like to write a little about dealing with traumatic memories.
Some memories fade over time. Time heals most wounds. But some wounds become infected.
If the memories do not fade by themselves, the next step is to determine whether or not they are still connected to emotion - if having these memories triggers feelings. You need to base that on whether or not these memories are upsetting you now, not how much they upset you at the time or how much they do or do not upset other people. If the memories do not upset you now, just deal with them as best you can. Chances are they would be more work to control those memories than is worth it. Also, for now you are probably better off obsessing over those memories than obsessing over real traumas in you past. One caveat: If you are having flashbacks of trivial incidents for years which have not faded, then chances are they do mean something and you would need to explore what.
But to be honest, if you are having constantly recurring memories they probably are genuinely upsetting you now. You need to figure out a plan to deal with them.
For me the most effective method has been - if it is at all possible - going back and visiting the physical location of the trauma. Do not let anyone push you do so before you are ready - you will be retraumatized. You need to work your courage to go back to the place which can take months. I usually try to go back at least two or three separate times. I have always gone alone and taken the time to work my feelings out. But that has proven to be the best method for me.
I personally am still working on ways to process trauma when it is not feasible to return to the physical location. I have sometimes found that composing letters expressing some of my thoughts and feelings can help. Don't mail them. I usually don't even need to write it out, but I need to figure out precisely what to say. Sometimes coming up with some symbolic action can help as well.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Steps
Dear Tony,
I want to remind you that you need to go one step at a time.
I have come a long way since I was hospitalized. But I needed to do it piece by piece. If I tried to go too far, I would crumble. Recovering from mental illness is about a million small steps. In my experience, there are very few big steps.
I think of it as building a foundation. When you are building anything, literally or figuratively, you build one brick, one nail, one small piece bit by bit.
You can do impressive things, but you need to do them a little at a time.
I want to remind you that you need to go one step at a time.
I have come a long way since I was hospitalized. But I needed to do it piece by piece. If I tried to go too far, I would crumble. Recovering from mental illness is about a million small steps. In my experience, there are very few big steps.
I think of it as building a foundation. When you are building anything, literally or figuratively, you build one brick, one nail, one small piece bit by bit.
You can do impressive things, but you need to do them a little at a time.
Monday, May 6, 2013
More on Changing Yourself
Dear Tony,
The leader of my Toastmaster’s group characterizes the club as “a comfortable place to try uncomfortable things.”
That idea of establishing a comfortable place is critically important. And often overlooked.
When you are doing something uncomfortable (which, when you are starting out, probably means any new step), you need to make the rest of your life as comfortable as you can. That means anything you can reasonably control — physical space, time of day, food, noise, etc. Trying a new step is difficult enough. Trying a new step on top of dealing with normal annoyances is usually overwhelming.
For me, it helps to choose the exact time and place and plan the details in advance. If something goes awry, I will reschedule. But I plan exactly what I am going to do before, during, and after the step.
When I am starting, I can’t compensate for any variation whatsoever. If things don’t go as planned, I usually need to wait. When I am just starting out, I completely lack flexibility. When I have done the step a few times and are more used to it, then I can begin to tolerate some variations or surprises. But when I am starting it needs to go exactly as planned.
After I finish that first step I am usually exhausted. No matter how small the step is. I need to relax and do something to reward myself. I need to recognize that these changes are difficult and I need to make other accommodations in my life.
Change is not easy. But it is possible.
The leader of my Toastmaster’s group characterizes the club as “a comfortable place to try uncomfortable things.”
That idea of establishing a comfortable place is critically important. And often overlooked.
When you are doing something uncomfortable (which, when you are starting out, probably means any new step), you need to make the rest of your life as comfortable as you can. That means anything you can reasonably control — physical space, time of day, food, noise, etc. Trying a new step is difficult enough. Trying a new step on top of dealing with normal annoyances is usually overwhelming.
For me, it helps to choose the exact time and place and plan the details in advance. If something goes awry, I will reschedule. But I plan exactly what I am going to do before, during, and after the step.
When I am starting, I can’t compensate for any variation whatsoever. If things don’t go as planned, I usually need to wait. When I am just starting out, I completely lack flexibility. When I have done the step a few times and are more used to it, then I can begin to tolerate some variations or surprises. But when I am starting it needs to go exactly as planned.
After I finish that first step I am usually exhausted. No matter how small the step is. I need to relax and do something to reward myself. I need to recognize that these changes are difficult and I need to make other accommodations in my life.
Change is not easy. But it is possible.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
More on Dealing with Pain
Dear Tony,
I want to expand on what I wrote in the last post about having feelings.
The first feeling you have is pain. That is to be expected. I have really genuinely had some very bad things happen to me, and I would bet you have, too. Of course you feel pain. It would not be healthy to suffer and not feel pain. As I said, pain can sometimes be a good thing. It means that you are still able to have feelings. Some of the sickest people just go numb.
Once you start having feelings they come in out of control. They can come flooding back. There could be a minor feeling about a minor upset that just refuses to leave. They become mixed with each other. For a long time, I would focus and emphasize with small issues while ignoring larger ones. No one has been able to adequately explain feelings. Every conscious human being sometimes wishes s/he had the capacity to turn his/her feelings on and off the way we turn a television on and off. We don’t.
When my feelings started flooding me, I had to sort it out. This took just about every spare minute I had (and then some). I had to consider, dwell on, and analyze every feeling which I had. This was not because I really believed every feeling I had deserved such contemplation and expression. I simply lacked any sort of triage system.
I was eventually able to understand and start to triage most of my feelings. I know I could not have done it without all the contemplation. There are no shortcuts to that I can suggest. Just lots and lots of practice of recognizing your feelings and (as much as possible) figuring out the root causes. It was definitely worth it, and it was definitely necessary to my recovery. But it was admittedly extremely laborious.
I want to expand on what I wrote in the last post about having feelings.
The first feeling you have is pain. That is to be expected. I have really genuinely had some very bad things happen to me, and I would bet you have, too. Of course you feel pain. It would not be healthy to suffer and not feel pain. As I said, pain can sometimes be a good thing. It means that you are still able to have feelings. Some of the sickest people just go numb.
Once you start having feelings they come in out of control. They can come flooding back. There could be a minor feeling about a minor upset that just refuses to leave. They become mixed with each other. For a long time, I would focus and emphasize with small issues while ignoring larger ones. No one has been able to adequately explain feelings. Every conscious human being sometimes wishes s/he had the capacity to turn his/her feelings on and off the way we turn a television on and off. We don’t.
When my feelings started flooding me, I had to sort it out. This took just about every spare minute I had (and then some). I had to consider, dwell on, and analyze every feeling which I had. This was not because I really believed every feeling I had deserved such contemplation and expression. I simply lacked any sort of triage system.
I was eventually able to understand and start to triage most of my feelings. I know I could not have done it without all the contemplation. There are no shortcuts to that I can suggest. Just lots and lots of practice of recognizing your feelings and (as much as possible) figuring out the root causes. It was definitely worth it, and it was definitely necessary to my recovery. But it was admittedly extremely laborious.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Some Understanding of Pain
Dear Tony,
A while ago I was reading a book about a burn unit. One point the book made was that in first- and second-degree (mild to moderate) burns, the person is often in excruciating pain. As difficult as it is to endure, that pain is actually a good thing: It means the nerves are intact. On severe, third- and fourth-degree burns, often the nerves are destroyed and the person cannot feel pain.
In my experience that analogy often holds true for mental illness. When we are dealing with really severe pain our sensors become dull or shut off and we can’t really feel it. As we gradually become better, we start to feel more. And our reward for becoming more healthy is that we are hit with these feelings to which we had previously been numb. As we become more able to feel and process pain, we feel and process more pain.
I have had some horrible things happen to me. I would imagine that you have, too. Pain is a healthy and natural response. Not feeling pain after a deeply traumatic episode would be unhealthy. I am learning to process through them piece by piece and step by step. But I don’t really want the pain to go away. I just want to learn how to process it better.
Being in pain can be a good sign. Growing better can often mean feeling worse. That is difficult to take at first, but you need to learn to work through these feelings a little at a time. There are ways to process pain, but it takes work.
A while ago I was reading a book about a burn unit. One point the book made was that in first- and second-degree (mild to moderate) burns, the person is often in excruciating pain. As difficult as it is to endure, that pain is actually a good thing: It means the nerves are intact. On severe, third- and fourth-degree burns, often the nerves are destroyed and the person cannot feel pain.
In my experience that analogy often holds true for mental illness. When we are dealing with really severe pain our sensors become dull or shut off and we can’t really feel it. As we gradually become better, we start to feel more. And our reward for becoming more healthy is that we are hit with these feelings to which we had previously been numb. As we become more able to feel and process pain, we feel and process more pain.
I have had some horrible things happen to me. I would imagine that you have, too. Pain is a healthy and natural response. Not feeling pain after a deeply traumatic episode would be unhealthy. I am learning to process through them piece by piece and step by step. But I don’t really want the pain to go away. I just want to learn how to process it better.
Being in pain can be a good sign. Growing better can often mean feeling worse. That is difficult to take at first, but you need to learn to work through these feelings a little at a time. There are ways to process pain, but it takes work.
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