Nuances of Communication

Dear Tony,

I would like to write more about learning how to communicate.

As I said, I needed to go rigidly one step at a time. The first step was just learning how to communicate ideas and make my thoughts known. The second step was starting to figure out the etiquitte of communication: tone of voice, volume of voice and eye contact. Once I had the basics of communication, the second step was not too difficult.

The third step was challenging, though. I needed to learn to put people at ease and make polite conversation (as opposed to just saying directly what was happening to me and what I wanted to know). I could feel myself starting to pick up some nuances of conversation and cues from the other person. However, I still had difficulty responding to them.

One of the first challenges was figuring out appropriate topics for conversation. Most counselors will be willing to provide lists of safe and unsafe topics of conversation. I personally have found those lists to be less than helpful. They might be a good guide for some people, but often topics are far more nuanced than could be said on a simple list.

For example, take the rule which is probably the most well-known and enforced rule of polite conversation in the United States, where I live. Religion is an unsafe topic for polite conversation. That is a well-acknowledged fact. It would be on almost every such list. But would it be okay to share a silly story about a Nativity play run amok with non-Christians? Would it be okay to mention to devout Christians that historical evidence indicates that Jesus was not born either on year 0 or December 25? Would it be okay to ask devout Jews how many cases of Tay Sachs disease they have personally seen? Would it be okay to discuss with anyone how pigs have very few uses other than meat, yet two major religions presumably working separately (Judaism and Islam) have completely condemned pig meat? I would say it depends more on the context and the person you are talking to. Religion can indeed be a dangerous topic, but so is giving a blanket condemnation of any topic.

Another challenge, at least for me is that safe and unsafe topics vary not only by culture but also from person to person. For me, they were essentially reversed. Topics that most other women like to talk about — diets, clothes, television shows — feel deeply personal and intimate to me. Maybe they were pushed too much by well-meaning previous therapists. I’m not sure. But for a long time it was virtually impossible to have a comfortable conversation about any of those topics.

Explaining that to people can be challenging. I will admit did not do that very well. Looking at my own experience, I would suggest you just tell them politely but firmly and repeatedly that those topics are uncomfortable for you. As long as the information is not critical, you have a right to insist people stick to topics with which you are comfortable, and so do they. Finding common ground can be challenging, but it is essential. I think for a long time I stuck with politics and current events. That topic can be dangerous, too, but as I mentioned before almost anything can.