Traumatic Memories

Dear Tony,

I would like to write a little about dealing with traumatic memories.

Some memories fade over time. Time heals most wounds. But some wounds become infected.

If the memories do not fade by themselves, the next step is to determine whether or not they are still connected to emotion - if having these memories triggers feelings. You need to base that on whether or not these memories are upsetting you now, not how much they upset you at the time or how much they do or do not upset other people. If the memories do not upset you now, just deal with them as best you can. Chances are they would be more work to control those memories than is worth it. Also, for now you are probably better off obsessing over those memories than obsessing over real traumas in you past. One caveat: If you are having flashbacks of trivial incidents for years which have not faded, then chances are they do mean something and you would need to explore what.

But to be honest, if you are having constantly recurring memories they probably are genuinely upsetting you now. You need to figure out a plan to deal with them.

For me the most effective method has been - if it is at all possible - going back and visiting the physical location of the trauma. Do not let anyone push you do so before you are ready - you will be retraumatized. You need to work your courage to go back to the place which can take months. I usually try to go back at least two or three separate times. I have always gone alone and taken the time to work my feelings out. But that has proven to be the best method for me.

I personally am still working on ways to process trauma when it is not feasible to return to the physical location. I have sometimes found that composing letters expressing some of my thoughts and feelings can help. Don't mail them. I usually don't even need to write it out, but I need to figure out precisely what to say. Sometimes coming up with some symbolic action can help as well.