Dear Tony,
You have probably reached a point where you know something is wrong. The problem is not the world. You realize you have a problem, and you need to go find and figure out a way to fix it.
Next question: What's the problem?
Don't worry too much about your diagnosis. I know it is not easy, but diagnoses don't explain anything. They are not useless, but they really exist more to help the doctors than to help you. A diagnosis is one or two words. The human brain is the most complicated thing in the known universe. No one's brain can be reduced to one or two words.
This is difficult to accept, but there is usually no easy answer for that above question. Chances are you do not have a simple problem or a simple solution. You have probably tried intently to fix it for a long time now. If there was a simple solution, you would have done it by now.
Which brings me back to the advice I keep telling you. You are not helpless, but you need to make small changes one at a time and go step by step. You can improve your life, but you need to start where you are and make changes based on what you can do, not what you most need.
Saturday, November 22, 2014
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Where to Begin
Dear Tony,
How do you choose where to begin? It admittedly can be very tricky.
I've said it before: Start with what you can do, not what you most need.
That sometimes can be difficult to figure out.
Any positive change is a step in the right direction. If you had skills which you lost in the last several months, try to start there. It is often easier to re-gain skills. Somehow our subconscious seems to hold on to them for a while.
Another possibility is to look at something you already do well and try to make it still better. That might be difficult to do when you have other problems. But it is still a positive change, and every positive change is good.
The most important piece is not the change itself. It is learning how to make changes and adjust yourself to changes. That may well be the most difficult skill you ever need to learn. But once you learn how to make your life better your life will become better. No matter how small the changes are.
How do you choose where to begin? It admittedly can be very tricky.
I've said it before: Start with what you can do, not what you most need.
That sometimes can be difficult to figure out.
Any positive change is a step in the right direction. If you had skills which you lost in the last several months, try to start there. It is often easier to re-gain skills. Somehow our subconscious seems to hold on to them for a while.
Another possibility is to look at something you already do well and try to make it still better. That might be difficult to do when you have other problems. But it is still a positive change, and every positive change is good.
The most important piece is not the change itself. It is learning how to make changes and adjust yourself to changes. That may well be the most difficult skill you ever need to learn. But once you learn how to make your life better your life will become better. No matter how small the changes are.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
More on Intrusive Memories
Dear Tony,
I have some more insight on intrusive memories which I would like to share.
As I have said before, most intrusive memories are traumatic memories. But they are not the worst traumas in the world or even the worst traumas which have happened to me personally.
For me, intrusive memories are events or conversations which I cannot understand. I cannot fit the details of what happened into my comprehension or my belief system. Since I cannot make sense of the situation, I keep thinking about it. These memories become intrusive memories because I keep thinking about them. And I keep thinking about them because I cannot fit them into my worldview.
Often as my worldview expands and my understanding of human nature deepens, these memories begin to make more sense. I can see things in them that I could not pick up before. I may have made assumptions about the situation or the people I should not have made or avoided assumptions I should have made.
Gaining a better understanding of humanity and social situations as a whole is the most effective treatment. It is also probably the least satisfying. Gaining that overall perspective can take years.
In the shorter term, you probably need to address the memory directly. Try to look at it in hindsight. Go through it and try to pick up clues you might have missed. Did you misread the situation? Did the other people? Could there have been a legitimate misunderstanding? Was there anything you could reasonably have done differently? Was there anything you could have possibly have done differently?
You will probably need to go through the memories over and over again. These memories can be like wounds. They do not heal quickly no matter what you do. But if you keep working at them they should start to heal bit by bit.
I have some more insight on intrusive memories which I would like to share.
As I have said before, most intrusive memories are traumatic memories. But they are not the worst traumas in the world or even the worst traumas which have happened to me personally.
For me, intrusive memories are events or conversations which I cannot understand. I cannot fit the details of what happened into my comprehension or my belief system. Since I cannot make sense of the situation, I keep thinking about it. These memories become intrusive memories because I keep thinking about them. And I keep thinking about them because I cannot fit them into my worldview.
Often as my worldview expands and my understanding of human nature deepens, these memories begin to make more sense. I can see things in them that I could not pick up before. I may have made assumptions about the situation or the people I should not have made or avoided assumptions I should have made.
Gaining a better understanding of humanity and social situations as a whole is the most effective treatment. It is also probably the least satisfying. Gaining that overall perspective can take years.
In the shorter term, you probably need to address the memory directly. Try to look at it in hindsight. Go through it and try to pick up clues you might have missed. Did you misread the situation? Did the other people? Could there have been a legitimate misunderstanding? Was there anything you could reasonably have done differently? Was there anything you could have possibly have done differently?
You will probably need to go through the memories over and over again. These memories can be like wounds. They do not heal quickly no matter what you do. But if you keep working at them they should start to heal bit by bit.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
More on Therapists
Dear Tony,
I would like to expand a little more on the last point I made in the last letter.
Therapists are not supposed to grow angry at their clients, but it does happen. My advice - and this is just me - is, if it only happens occasionally and you still feel safe and comfortable there, don't worry about it. Therapy is a very emotionally charged environment, therapists often need to make quick decisions about how to respond, and people - both the therapist and the client - sometimes do not process their feelings appropriately. Also, I think that sometimes therapists can unintentionally appear to be angry when they are really not.
I would suggest that it is more important to ask yourself: Am I comfortable telling this therapist what is going on? Does the therapist listen to me and respect my judgment? Am I making progress in the areas I would like to? If the answer to both questions is yes, then I would probably recommend staying with that therapist.
On the other hand, there is no excuse for rage. If your therapist grows uncontrollably angry, or angry for an extended period of time, you should try to find a new therapist. If you are afraid of telling your therapist something because s/he will be angry or will take it the wrong way, then you are not receiving the help you need. And - to repeat what I said in the last letter - if your therapist grows enraged because you did something without first asking his/her permission, there are serious control issues. You need to find another therapist quickly.
I would like to expand a little more on the last point I made in the last letter.
Therapists are not supposed to grow angry at their clients, but it does happen. My advice - and this is just me - is, if it only happens occasionally and you still feel safe and comfortable there, don't worry about it. Therapy is a very emotionally charged environment, therapists often need to make quick decisions about how to respond, and people - both the therapist and the client - sometimes do not process their feelings appropriately. Also, I think that sometimes therapists can unintentionally appear to be angry when they are really not.
I would suggest that it is more important to ask yourself: Am I comfortable telling this therapist what is going on? Does the therapist listen to me and respect my judgment? Am I making progress in the areas I would like to? If the answer to both questions is yes, then I would probably recommend staying with that therapist.
On the other hand, there is no excuse for rage. If your therapist grows uncontrollably angry, or angry for an extended period of time, you should try to find a new therapist. If you are afraid of telling your therapist something because s/he will be angry or will take it the wrong way, then you are not receiving the help you need. And - to repeat what I said in the last letter - if your therapist grows enraged because you did something without first asking his/her permission, there are serious control issues. You need to find another therapist quickly.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Choosing a Therapist
Dear Tony,
As you know, I am a mental health researcher. One of the issues I sometimes research is what factors produce a good therapeutic relationship. Those factors are complicated and difficult to determine. But based on some of what I have observed and personally experienced, I wanted to give some advice about choosing a therapist.
I realize you might not always have a choice of therapist. Geographic and insurance (among other) factors may limit who you are able to see. But you might have a choice between a few people or be able to request a transfer. Everyone's situation is different, which means I cannot give general advice. You need to figure out yourself what your options are.
With that caveat, here are some suggestions about choosing a therapist:
The absolute primary factor is: You must be comfortable with that person. If you are not comfortable, you are not going to be open and honest, which means you are not going to be able to address the complexities of your own situation. You might be more comfortable with a certain gender or a certain age group. If so, try to request it or look for it. Do not try to be fair to the therapist. Health does not play fair. Your needs have to come first.
This ideally works both ways. The therapist might say s/he is not comfortable treating you. This is very painful to hear (I have had that happen). In the long run it is most likely for the best. But you can be left feeling like a mutant. There is not much advice I can give about that situation, except to be aware that it might happen.
I have a few warning signs that you need to find a new therapist:
1. If you cannot discuss something which you feel you need to discuss. Therapists do make mistakes, and they may cut off an important point during a session. But if you bring up this point several times over different sessions and are never able to talk about it, then you are not receiving the help you need.
2. If you disagree with your therapist and are not comfortable saying so. Or if you do tell the therapist you disagree and are repeatedly ignored.
2.a. On a similar note - if the therapist tells you things about yourself that appear wildly speculative or just wrong, and you are not able to disagree (or it is too much effort to do so).
3. Very important - if your therapist becomes enraged if you do something without his/her approval. Therapists are not supposed to become angry in session, but it does happen. But if they grow enraged if you do something without his/her permission, they are insisting on having control over your life. That is wrong - the goal of therapy should be to help you lead the life you want, not to be dependent on the therapist. The therapist should be a guide, not a caretaker.
That is all for now. I will add more suggestions as I think of them later.
As you know, I am a mental health researcher. One of the issues I sometimes research is what factors produce a good therapeutic relationship. Those factors are complicated and difficult to determine. But based on some of what I have observed and personally experienced, I wanted to give some advice about choosing a therapist.
I realize you might not always have a choice of therapist. Geographic and insurance (among other) factors may limit who you are able to see. But you might have a choice between a few people or be able to request a transfer. Everyone's situation is different, which means I cannot give general advice. You need to figure out yourself what your options are.
With that caveat, here are some suggestions about choosing a therapist:
The absolute primary factor is: You must be comfortable with that person. If you are not comfortable, you are not going to be open and honest, which means you are not going to be able to address the complexities of your own situation. You might be more comfortable with a certain gender or a certain age group. If so, try to request it or look for it. Do not try to be fair to the therapist. Health does not play fair. Your needs have to come first.
This ideally works both ways. The therapist might say s/he is not comfortable treating you. This is very painful to hear (I have had that happen). In the long run it is most likely for the best. But you can be left feeling like a mutant. There is not much advice I can give about that situation, except to be aware that it might happen.
I have a few warning signs that you need to find a new therapist:
1. If you cannot discuss something which you feel you need to discuss. Therapists do make mistakes, and they may cut off an important point during a session. But if you bring up this point several times over different sessions and are never able to talk about it, then you are not receiving the help you need.
2. If you disagree with your therapist and are not comfortable saying so. Or if you do tell the therapist you disagree and are repeatedly ignored.
2.a. On a similar note - if the therapist tells you things about yourself that appear wildly speculative or just wrong, and you are not able to disagree (or it is too much effort to do so).
3. Very important - if your therapist becomes enraged if you do something without his/her approval. Therapists are not supposed to become angry in session, but it does happen. But if they grow enraged if you do something without his/her permission, they are insisting on having control over your life. That is wrong - the goal of therapy should be to help you lead the life you want, not to be dependent on the therapist. The therapist should be a guide, not a caretaker.
That is all for now. I will add more suggestions as I think of them later.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Outside Resources
Dear Tony,
You probably have some clear, tangible needs which my blog cannot help with. Maybe you would like to connect with other people who are living with mental illness. There are clubhouses designed for people with mental illness to socialize and support each other. Maybe you would benefit from face-to-face support.
That support can be difficult to find. I would like to give some suggestions. Every region is different, and what works in one area might not work in another. This is especially true for readers outside the United States. But I hope some suggestions will help.
Often these centers are familiar with each other: If you can find one, you can find help from others. The difficulty is finding that first one.
Large mental health organizations such as the United States Psychiatric Rehabilitation Association (www.uspra.org), the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (www.dbsalliance.org) and the National Alliance on Mental Illness (www.nami.org) have chapters in each of the fifty U.S. states (and some locations outside the United States). If you check their websites you might find a branch near you. If not, I would suggest you e-mail a contact person from the nearest geographical area in your state for suggestions.
Many states have 2-1-1 organizations which try to connect people with resources they need. These sites vary widely by state - some states don't have them and others have extensive lifts of resources. I suggest you check your state government website to see if they have lists of resources. You might need to spend some time looking at different links, but I would strongly suggest it. If that does not work, try typing "211 + the name of your state" into a search engine.
That tactic can work for a lot of needs. If you are having difficulty, you might want to try simply typing "clubhouses + your city" or "mental health resources + your city" into a search engine. Make sure what you find is really geared towards your needs. But that can work.
Also, you might want to try looking on www.meetup.com. Meetup is a place where many different groups search for new members and advertise events. A lot of groups promote themselves there. Depending on your region, you might find groups dedicated to supporting people with mental illness.
Finally, you might want to searching www.craigslist.org. Craigslist is an all-purpose site. Make sure your search is on "Community" and then try typing in "mental health" "mental illness" "depression" "schizophrenia" etc.
Be aware it might take a while to locate these resources. Nothing works for everyone and every region. But hopefully it will be enough for you to start finding what you need. If you can, check out the site's individual pages and try to determine what you need. You often cannot tell in advance, but it is still a good idea to look first.
Good luck!
You probably have some clear, tangible needs which my blog cannot help with. Maybe you would like to connect with other people who are living with mental illness. There are clubhouses designed for people with mental illness to socialize and support each other. Maybe you would benefit from face-to-face support.
That support can be difficult to find. I would like to give some suggestions. Every region is different, and what works in one area might not work in another. This is especially true for readers outside the United States. But I hope some suggestions will help.
Often these centers are familiar with each other: If you can find one, you can find help from others. The difficulty is finding that first one.
Large mental health organizations such as the United States Psychiatric Rehabilitation Association (www.uspra.org), the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance (www.dbsalliance.org) and the National Alliance on Mental Illness (www.nami.org) have chapters in each of the fifty U.S. states (and some locations outside the United States). If you check their websites you might find a branch near you. If not, I would suggest you e-mail a contact person from the nearest geographical area in your state for suggestions.
Many states have 2-1-1 organizations which try to connect people with resources they need. These sites vary widely by state - some states don't have them and others have extensive lifts of resources. I suggest you check your state government website to see if they have lists of resources. You might need to spend some time looking at different links, but I would strongly suggest it. If that does not work, try typing "211 + the name of your state" into a search engine.
That tactic can work for a lot of needs. If you are having difficulty, you might want to try simply typing "clubhouses + your city" or "mental health resources + your city" into a search engine. Make sure what you find is really geared towards your needs. But that can work.
Also, you might want to try looking on www.meetup.com. Meetup is a place where many different groups search for new members and advertise events. A lot of groups promote themselves there. Depending on your region, you might find groups dedicated to supporting people with mental illness.
Finally, you might want to searching www.craigslist.org. Craigslist is an all-purpose site. Make sure your search is on "Community" and then try typing in "mental health" "mental illness" "depression" "schizophrenia" etc.
Be aware it might take a while to locate these resources. Nothing works for everyone and every region. But hopefully it will be enough for you to start finding what you need. If you can, check out the site's individual pages and try to determine what you need. You often cannot tell in advance, but it is still a good idea to look first.
Good luck!
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Questions
Dear Readers,
Thank you very much for joining me here. I hope you have found the blog helpful and informative.
I would appreciate hearing your thoughts about the blog. Please e-mail me at arioseo@gmail.com and answer the following questions:
1. What is your favorite post thus far? What is your least favorite post? (This can apply to both Tony and Kayla's letters.)
2. Which topics would you like to see addressed?
Thank you again,
Ariose
Thank you very much for joining me here. I hope you have found the blog helpful and informative.
I would appreciate hearing your thoughts about the blog. Please e-mail me at arioseo@gmail.com and answer the following questions:
1. What is your favorite post thus far? What is your least favorite post? (This can apply to both Tony and Kayla's letters.)
2. Which topics would you like to see addressed?
Thank you again,
Ariose
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