Dear Tony,
I have learned more about dealing with drastic changes in mentality or lifestyle.
I react as though they are a physical illness. Often they can lead to physical illness - stress can weaken the immune system, they often involve changes in day-to-day functioning, etc. I have learned to treat them as wounds or illnesses.
How do we treat illnesses?
Usually the best way to treat illnesses is to slow down your daily life. Cut back on things that are not absolutely essential. Sleep as much as you can - the more you sleep, the faster you will heal. Illness and wounds sometimes need specific treatment (cough syrup, aspirin, specific creams for wounds). To treat a wound, you would probably cut back on your life but also give it some special treatment, specifically exposing it to fresh air or to rest. For a drastic change, you need to "expose the change." Think about it and let it in. Let it come in to your life.
Like physical problems, that takes time. Wounds and illnesses heal when they are ready to heal, not when you need them to. You cannot speed up the healing just by treating yourself more aggressively. You need to give your physical and mental health time to adjust to the change. It takes a while. But it can be done.
Sunday, June 14, 2015
Saturday, January 3, 2015
Another Truth
Dear Tony,
There is another inconvenient and uncomfortable truth you should be aware of as you work to improve your life.
You gain skills when you are ready for them, not when you need them.
Your brain grows and develops at its own pace. You often cannot make it grow faster by pushing more.
I would advise you to be careful with long-term plans. It is often difficult to know what you can and can not handle and what you will be working on in the distant future.
There is another inconvenient and uncomfortable truth you should be aware of as you work to improve your life.
You gain skills when you are ready for them, not when you need them.
Your brain grows and develops at its own pace. You often cannot make it grow faster by pushing more.
I would advise you to be careful with long-term plans. It is often difficult to know what you can and can not handle and what you will be working on in the distant future.
Monday, December 1, 2014
Step by Step
Dear Tony,
You need to understand that this work can be tedious at times. It almost certainly will take longer than you have planned.
You should have an internal sense that you are making progress. It often feels like you are building a wall or a walkway. You go brick by brick. Each brick looks similar and often the process appears similar. But each brick is necessary - if one was not there you would notice it. You should sense that you are moving forward and growing better with each individual step you take, even if it doesn't change things in your life right away.
But it will feel like you are doing the same thing again and again. That is boring but necessary. If you lack these skills, you need to work to acquire them. No one can build skills in a day. The only way to build them is to practice them again and again.
If you feel you are not making progress, stop. If you feel like you are not making progress you probably are not. You may have been aiming too high. You may have the right general idea what you need to do, but left a critical piece out of it. You may need more practice at a lower level step.
Also, from my experience, if you grow agitated and start having flashbacks, that is most likely a sign that you are aiming too high.
One of the most annoying experiences is when you know intellectually what the next step is, but you are not ready to do it. Try to resist the urge to move ahead if you know you are not ready. You will regret it later. Work towards building yourself at your current level while keeping your eye on the prize. That is admittedly easier said than done. But if you move ahead before you are ready you will probably crash.
You need to understand that this work can be tedious at times. It almost certainly will take longer than you have planned.
You should have an internal sense that you are making progress. It often feels like you are building a wall or a walkway. You go brick by brick. Each brick looks similar and often the process appears similar. But each brick is necessary - if one was not there you would notice it. You should sense that you are moving forward and growing better with each individual step you take, even if it doesn't change things in your life right away.
But it will feel like you are doing the same thing again and again. That is boring but necessary. If you lack these skills, you need to work to acquire them. No one can build skills in a day. The only way to build them is to practice them again and again.
If you feel you are not making progress, stop. If you feel like you are not making progress you probably are not. You may have been aiming too high. You may have the right general idea what you need to do, but left a critical piece out of it. You may need more practice at a lower level step.
Also, from my experience, if you grow agitated and start having flashbacks, that is most likely a sign that you are aiming too high.
One of the most annoying experiences is when you know intellectually what the next step is, but you are not ready to do it. Try to resist the urge to move ahead if you know you are not ready. You will regret it later. Work towards building yourself at your current level while keeping your eye on the prize. That is admittedly easier said than done. But if you move ahead before you are ready you will probably crash.
Saturday, November 22, 2014
The Problem
Dear Tony,
You have probably reached a point where you know something is wrong. The problem is not the world. You realize you have a problem, and you need to go find and figure out a way to fix it.
Next question: What's the problem?
Don't worry too much about your diagnosis. I know it is not easy, but diagnoses don't explain anything. They are not useless, but they really exist more to help the doctors than to help you. A diagnosis is one or two words. The human brain is the most complicated thing in the known universe. No one's brain can be reduced to one or two words.
This is difficult to accept, but there is usually no easy answer for that above question. Chances are you do not have a simple problem or a simple solution. You have probably tried intently to fix it for a long time now. If there was a simple solution, you would have done it by now.
Which brings me back to the advice I keep telling you. You are not helpless, but you need to make small changes one at a time and go step by step. You can improve your life, but you need to start where you are and make changes based on what you can do, not what you most need.
You have probably reached a point where you know something is wrong. The problem is not the world. You realize you have a problem, and you need to go find and figure out a way to fix it.
Next question: What's the problem?
Don't worry too much about your diagnosis. I know it is not easy, but diagnoses don't explain anything. They are not useless, but they really exist more to help the doctors than to help you. A diagnosis is one or two words. The human brain is the most complicated thing in the known universe. No one's brain can be reduced to one or two words.
This is difficult to accept, but there is usually no easy answer for that above question. Chances are you do not have a simple problem or a simple solution. You have probably tried intently to fix it for a long time now. If there was a simple solution, you would have done it by now.
Which brings me back to the advice I keep telling you. You are not helpless, but you need to make small changes one at a time and go step by step. You can improve your life, but you need to start where you are and make changes based on what you can do, not what you most need.
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Where to Begin
Dear Tony,
How do you choose where to begin? It admittedly can be very tricky.
I've said it before: Start with what you can do, not what you most need.
That sometimes can be difficult to figure out.
Any positive change is a step in the right direction. If you had skills which you lost in the last several months, try to start there. It is often easier to re-gain skills. Somehow our subconscious seems to hold on to them for a while.
Another possibility is to look at something you already do well and try to make it still better. That might be difficult to do when you have other problems. But it is still a positive change, and every positive change is good.
The most important piece is not the change itself. It is learning how to make changes and adjust yourself to changes. That may well be the most difficult skill you ever need to learn. But once you learn how to make your life better your life will become better. No matter how small the changes are.
How do you choose where to begin? It admittedly can be very tricky.
I've said it before: Start with what you can do, not what you most need.
That sometimes can be difficult to figure out.
Any positive change is a step in the right direction. If you had skills which you lost in the last several months, try to start there. It is often easier to re-gain skills. Somehow our subconscious seems to hold on to them for a while.
Another possibility is to look at something you already do well and try to make it still better. That might be difficult to do when you have other problems. But it is still a positive change, and every positive change is good.
The most important piece is not the change itself. It is learning how to make changes and adjust yourself to changes. That may well be the most difficult skill you ever need to learn. But once you learn how to make your life better your life will become better. No matter how small the changes are.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
More on Intrusive Memories
Dear Tony,
I have some more insight on intrusive memories which I would like to share.
As I have said before, most intrusive memories are traumatic memories. But they are not the worst traumas in the world or even the worst traumas which have happened to me personally.
For me, intrusive memories are events or conversations which I cannot understand. I cannot fit the details of what happened into my comprehension or my belief system. Since I cannot make sense of the situation, I keep thinking about it. These memories become intrusive memories because I keep thinking about them. And I keep thinking about them because I cannot fit them into my worldview.
Often as my worldview expands and my understanding of human nature deepens, these memories begin to make more sense. I can see things in them that I could not pick up before. I may have made assumptions about the situation or the people I should not have made or avoided assumptions I should have made.
Gaining a better understanding of humanity and social situations as a whole is the most effective treatment. It is also probably the least satisfying. Gaining that overall perspective can take years.
In the shorter term, you probably need to address the memory directly. Try to look at it in hindsight. Go through it and try to pick up clues you might have missed. Did you misread the situation? Did the other people? Could there have been a legitimate misunderstanding? Was there anything you could reasonably have done differently? Was there anything you could have possibly have done differently?
You will probably need to go through the memories over and over again. These memories can be like wounds. They do not heal quickly no matter what you do. But if you keep working at them they should start to heal bit by bit.
I have some more insight on intrusive memories which I would like to share.
As I have said before, most intrusive memories are traumatic memories. But they are not the worst traumas in the world or even the worst traumas which have happened to me personally.
For me, intrusive memories are events or conversations which I cannot understand. I cannot fit the details of what happened into my comprehension or my belief system. Since I cannot make sense of the situation, I keep thinking about it. These memories become intrusive memories because I keep thinking about them. And I keep thinking about them because I cannot fit them into my worldview.
Often as my worldview expands and my understanding of human nature deepens, these memories begin to make more sense. I can see things in them that I could not pick up before. I may have made assumptions about the situation or the people I should not have made or avoided assumptions I should have made.
Gaining a better understanding of humanity and social situations as a whole is the most effective treatment. It is also probably the least satisfying. Gaining that overall perspective can take years.
In the shorter term, you probably need to address the memory directly. Try to look at it in hindsight. Go through it and try to pick up clues you might have missed. Did you misread the situation? Did the other people? Could there have been a legitimate misunderstanding? Was there anything you could reasonably have done differently? Was there anything you could have possibly have done differently?
You will probably need to go through the memories over and over again. These memories can be like wounds. They do not heal quickly no matter what you do. But if you keep working at them they should start to heal bit by bit.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
More on Therapists
Dear Tony,
I would like to expand a little more on the last point I made in the last letter.
Therapists are not supposed to grow angry at their clients, but it does happen. My advice - and this is just me - is, if it only happens occasionally and you still feel safe and comfortable there, don't worry about it. Therapy is a very emotionally charged environment, therapists often need to make quick decisions about how to respond, and people - both the therapist and the client - sometimes do not process their feelings appropriately. Also, I think that sometimes therapists can unintentionally appear to be angry when they are really not.
I would suggest that it is more important to ask yourself: Am I comfortable telling this therapist what is going on? Does the therapist listen to me and respect my judgment? Am I making progress in the areas I would like to? If the answer to both questions is yes, then I would probably recommend staying with that therapist.
On the other hand, there is no excuse for rage. If your therapist grows uncontrollably angry, or angry for an extended period of time, you should try to find a new therapist. If you are afraid of telling your therapist something because s/he will be angry or will take it the wrong way, then you are not receiving the help you need. And - to repeat what I said in the last letter - if your therapist grows enraged because you did something without first asking his/her permission, there are serious control issues. You need to find another therapist quickly.
I would like to expand a little more on the last point I made in the last letter.
Therapists are not supposed to grow angry at their clients, but it does happen. My advice - and this is just me - is, if it only happens occasionally and you still feel safe and comfortable there, don't worry about it. Therapy is a very emotionally charged environment, therapists often need to make quick decisions about how to respond, and people - both the therapist and the client - sometimes do not process their feelings appropriately. Also, I think that sometimes therapists can unintentionally appear to be angry when they are really not.
I would suggest that it is more important to ask yourself: Am I comfortable telling this therapist what is going on? Does the therapist listen to me and respect my judgment? Am I making progress in the areas I would like to? If the answer to both questions is yes, then I would probably recommend staying with that therapist.
On the other hand, there is no excuse for rage. If your therapist grows uncontrollably angry, or angry for an extended period of time, you should try to find a new therapist. If you are afraid of telling your therapist something because s/he will be angry or will take it the wrong way, then you are not receiving the help you need. And - to repeat what I said in the last letter - if your therapist grows enraged because you did something without first asking his/her permission, there are serious control issues. You need to find another therapist quickly.
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